Funny Dirty Joke

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” 

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” 

“Onions?” the son asks. 

“Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” 

This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” 

The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” 

“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. 

“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.” 

Quote Of The Day: Abu Dharr reported: The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Behold! Verily, there is no good in red skin or black skin, but rather only by virtue of righteousness.”  Source: Musnad Ahmad 20885  Grade: Hasan (fair) according to Al-Albani

Three Dogs

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian’s. One of the dogs was hanging its head and sighing. 

The second dog turned to him and asked, “What are you in here for, buddy?” 

The dog looked depressed. 

“I’m in big trouble,” he said. “My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats. I just love to go for rides in it. Well, the other day, he took me for a ride and I was so excited, I peed on the nice leather seat. Now he’s having me put to sleep.” 

“I know how you feel,” said the second dog. “My owners have a beautiful, expensive oriental rug. The other day they were late getting home from work and I just couldn’t help myself. I fucked all over their nice carpet and ruined it. They’re having me put to sleep too.” 

Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room. “So what are you here for?” they asked. 

“Well,” said the third dog, “my owner likes to do her housework in the nude. The other day, she was vacuuming and she knelt down to vacuum under the sofa and I just couldn’t help myself. I hopped on her back and had the ride of my life.” 

The other dogs nodded in sympathy. “So she’s having you put to sleep too, huh?” 

“No,” said the dog, “I’m having my nails clipped.”

Quote Of The Day: Hudhaifa ibn Al-Yaman reported: The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Verily, when the believer meets another believer and greets him with peace and shakes his hand, the sins of them both will shed like the shedding of the leaves of a tree.”  Source: Mu’jam Al-Awsat 253  Grade: Sahih li ghayri (authentic due to external evidence) according to Al-Albani

Perplexing Riddle

“It's time to see how clearly you can think,” the teacher said to his class. “Now, listen carefully, and think about what I'm saying. I'm thinking of a person who has the same mother and father as I have. But this person is not my brother and not my sister. Who is it?” 

The kids in the class furrowed their brows, scratched their heads, and otherwise showed how hard they were thinking. But no one came up with the right answer.  

When everyone in the class had given up, the teacher announced, “The person is me.”  

Little Jeffrey beamed at learning the answer. “That's a good one,” he said to himself. “I'll have to try that on Mom and Dad.”  

At dinner that night, little Jeffrey repeated the riddle to his parents. “I'm thinking of a person who has the same mother and father as I have,” he said. “But this person isn't my brother and isn't my sister. Who is it?”  

His parents furrowed their brows, scratched their heads, and otherwise pretended that they were thinking hard. Then they both said, “I give up. Who is it?” 

“It's my teacher!” Jeffrey said.

Quote Of The Day: Al-Qurtubi reported: It was said to Ibrahim ibn Adham, “What is wrong with us that we supplicate and we receive no answer?” Ibrahim said, “It is because you know Allah and you do not obey him, and you know the Messenger and you do not follow him or his tradition (sunnah), and you know the Quran and you do not act according to it, and you eat from the blessings of Allah and you are not thankful for it, and you know Paradise and you do not seek it, and you know Hellfire and you do not flee from it, and you know Satan and you do not fight him but rather you agree with him, and you know death and you do not prepare for it, and you bury the dead and you do not learn from it, and you ignore your own faults and you are concerned with the faults of others.”  Source: Tafseer Al-Qurtubi 2:186

Breast-Fed

A woman and a baby waited in the doctor's examining room, waiting for him to come in.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and commented the baby wasn't gaining enough weight. He then asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

“Breast fed,” the woman replied.

“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered. She did.

He pressed, kneaded, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk.”

“I know,” she said with a smile, “I'm his grandma, but I'm glad I came now.”

Quote Of The Day: Abu Huraira reported: A man reviled Abu Bakr and the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, was sitting down and he was impressed by Abu Bakr and he smiled. Then, Abu Bakr reviled the man with the same words as him and the Prophet became angry and he stood to leave. Abu Bakr went to the Prophet and he said, “O Messenger of Allah, the man reviled me and you were sitting, but when I responded you became angry and stood up.” The Prophet said, “Verily, there was an angel with you responding on your behalf, but Satan appeared when you responded with the same words as him and I will not sit in the presence of Satan.” Then the Prophet said, “O Abu Bakr, there are three persons who are given a right. No servant is wronged by an oppressor and he overlooks it except that Allah the Exalted will support him. A man does not open the door of charity to strengthen family ties except that Allah will increase his wealth. A man does not open the door to begging to usurp wealth except that Allah will increase his poverty.”  Source: Musnad Ahmad 9411  Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Al-Mundhiri

It's Dark In Here

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.

One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, “It's dark in here, isn't it?”

“Yes it is,” the man replies.

“You wanna buy a baseball?” the little boy asks.

“No thanks,” the man replies.

“I think you do want to buy a baseball,” the little extortionist continues.

“OK. How much?” the man replies after considering the position he was in.

“Twenty-five dollars,” the little boy replies.

“TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!” the man repeats. “That's awful expensive,” but because of the position he was in, agreed to the price.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

“It's dark in here, isn't it?” the boy starts off.

“Yes it is,” replies the man.

“Wanna buy a baseball glove?” the little boy asks.

“OK. How much?” the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his dis-advantage.

“Fifty dollars,” the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says, “Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch.”

“I can't. I sold them,” replies the little boy.

“How much did you get for them?” asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

“Seventy-five dollars,” the little boy says.

“SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness,” the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says, “It's dark in here, isn't it?”

“Don't you start that crap in here,” the priest says.

Quote Of The Day: Abu Umamah reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “The scribe on the right is trustworthy over the scribe on the left. When a person does a good deed, he records it immediately. When a person does a bad deed, he says to the scribe on the left: Stay your hand for six hours. If the person seeks forgiveness from Allah, then he will not write it. Otherwise, it will be recorded as a single bad deed.”  Source: Mu’jam Al-Kabeer 7685  Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to As-Suyuti

Follow The Boss

There are three ladies working in the same office. They begin to notice that each day the boss, who is also a female, leaves work early. 

One day they decide that once the boss takes off they are gonna be right behind her, after all she never comes back or calls so how would she know. So, they all three leave and the brunette was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting her dinner date. 

The redhead was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early. 

The blonde was happy, happy, happy, to be home. But when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracks open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss.

Ever so gently she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day at coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again and asked the blonde if she wanted to go with them. 

“No way!” the blonde exclaimed, “I bloody nearly got caught yesterday!”

Quote Of The Day: Abu Huraira reported: A bedouin came to the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, and he said, “Indeed, my wife has given birth to a black boy and I have disowned him.” The Prophet said, “Do you have camels?” He said yes. The Prophet said, “What color are they?” He said, “They are red.” The Prophet said, “Are any of them gray?” He said, “There are gray camels among them.” The Prophet said, “Where do you think this color came from?” He said, “O Messenger of Allah, it is hereditary.” The Prophet said, “Perhaps this boy’s color is hereditary.” The Prophet did not allow him to disown his child.  Source: Sahih Bukhari 6884, Sahih Muslim 1500  Grade: Muttafaqun Alayhi (authenticity agreed upon) according to Al-Bukhari and Muslim

Suprise

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, “Hello, could you give me condom. I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!”

 

The pharmacist gives him the condom and the young man leaves. He soon returns and says, “Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too.”

 

The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says, “Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, think she is expecting me to make a move!”

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him. 

 

When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying, “Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us.” 

A minute later the boy is still praying, “Thank you Lord for your kindness.” 

Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down.

 

The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. 

 

She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, “I didn't know you were so religious.” 

The boy replies, “I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!”

Quote Of The Day: Ibn Al-Qayyim said, “Forgiveness is more beloved to Allah than vengeance, mercy is more beloved to Him than punishment, grace is more beloved to Him than justice, and giving is more beloved to Him than withholding.” Source: Madarij As-Salikeen 1/228

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The Haircut

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.”


The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.”

The boy said, “You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”

The father replies, “Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?” 

Quote Of The Day: Sabra ibn Abu Fakih reported: I heard the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, say, “Verily, Satan lies in wait for the son of Adam in his paths and he lies in wait before the path of Islam. Satan says: Will you embrace Islam and abandon your religion and the religion of your ancestors? Then he disobeys him and embraces Islam. Satan lies in wait for him on the path to emigration and he says: Will you emigrate and abandon your land and sky, knowing the one who emigrates is only like a horse bound to a peg? Then he disobeys him and he emigrates. Satan lies in wait for him on the path of jihad and he says: Will you go forth in jihad when it will cost your life and wealth, knowing you will fight and be killed, your wife will remarry, and your property will be inherited? Then he disobeys him and he goes forth in jihad.” Then the Prophet said, “Whoever does that will have a right from Allah the Exalted that he will enter Paradise. Whoever is killed will have a right from Allah that he will enter Paradise. If he is drowned, he will have a right from Allah that he will enter Paradise. Whoever is thrown from his mount and breaks his neck will have a right from Allah that he will enter Paradise.”  Source: Sunan An-Nasa’i 3134  Grade: Hasan (fair) according to Al-Mundhiri

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Nuclear Power

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, “Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger's.”  

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, “What would you like to talk about?”  

“Oh, I don't know,” said the stranger. “How about nuclear power?”  

“OK,” she said. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”  

The stranger thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”  

To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?”

Quote Of The Day: Imran ibn Hussein reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Whoever supports his brother in private, then Allah will support him in this life and in the Hereafter.”  Source: Mu’jam Al-Kabeer 14771  Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Al-Haythami.

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Unfaithful

A couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, “Beth, soon we will be married 30 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

Beth replied, “Well Charles, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 30 years, but always for a good reason.”  

Charles was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, “Beth, I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons’?”  

Beth said, “The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?” 

Charles recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that.You saved our home, but what about the second time?”  

Beth asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.” 

“I do recall that,” says Chuck, “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.” 

“All right,” Beth said, “So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 43 more votes.”

Quote Of The Day: Anas ibn Malik reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Verily, in Paradise there is a market the people will come to every Friday. The north wind will blow and scatter fragrance on their faces and clothes and will add to their beauty and loveliness. They will return to their families having been increased in beauty and loveliness. Their families will say: By Allah, you have increased in beauty and loveliness after leaving us. They will say: By Allah, you have increased in beauty and loveliness after we have returned.”  Source: Sahih Muslim 2833 Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Imam Muslim

 

The Snoring Stopper

A man has a dog that snores in his sleep. Annoyed, because she can't sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. 

A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dog's testicles, and sure enough, the dog stops snoring. 

The woman is amazed. Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. 

So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him. The woman sleeps very soundly. 

The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over. He tumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. 

He shakes his head, looks down at the dog and says: “Boy, don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place.”

Quote Of The Day: Abu Sa’eed Al-Khudri reported: Some people from the Ansar asked the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, and he gave them. Then they asked for charity again and he gave them. Then they asked again and he gave them until all he had was gone. The Prophet said, “If I had anything, I would not withhold it. Whoever refrains from asking others, then Allah will make him content. Whoever would be self-sufficient, then Allah will make him self-sufficient. Whoever would be patient, then Allah will make him patient. There is no gift that is better and more comprehensive than patience.” Source: Sahih Bukhari 1400 Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Al-Bukhari.

 

A Drunk

A drunken man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.
 
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
 
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”

“My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.”

“Well, I'll be damned,” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. 

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised.

“I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”

“I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the pope does.”

 

Quote Of The Day: Abu Huraira reported: The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “The Quran will be brought on the Day of resurrection and it will say for its reciter: O Lord, decorate him. So he will be clothed with a crown of nobility. Then it will say: O Lord, give him more. So he will be clothed with a suit of nobility. Then it will say: O Lord, be pleased with him. So Allah will be pleased with him and He will say: Recite and rise up, be increased for every good verse.”  Source: Sunan At-Tirmidhi 2915  Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to At-Tirmidhi

 

Cheating

Otis, Henry, and Tom were sitting in a bar discussing their wives.

Henry started by saying, “I think my wife's fooling around on me. I went home the other day and found a hammer and a saw under our bed. I think she's cheatin' on me with a carpenter.”

Tom answered, “Yeah, I think my wife isn't faithful either. The other day I went home and found a pipe wrench and some pipes under my bed. I think she's cheatin' on me with a plumber.”

Otis then joins in and says, “Well, if you think that's bad, I've got one for ya. I went home yesterday and found a cowboy under my bed. I think my Leena is cheatin' on me with a horse.”

Quote Of The Day: Hakeem ibn Hizam reported: The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Both parties in a business transaction have the right to annul it as long as they have not separated. If they are truthful and clear with each other they will be blessed, but if they lie and conceal something the blessing will be eliminated.”  Source: Sahih Bukhari 1973, Sahih Muslim 1532  Grade: Mutaffaqun Alayhi (authenticity agreed upon) according to Al-Bukhari and Imam Muslim

 

Reason For Divorce

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”

“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents.”

He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”

“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

“Please,” he tried again, “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is ‘yes’.”

“Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

“Yes,” she responded, “About twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”

“Oh, I don't want a divorce,” she replied. “I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!”

Quote Of The Day: Abu Ad-Darda reported: I heard the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, say, “If three people in a town or in the desert do not establish the congregational prayer, then Satan has overcome them. You must establish the congregation, for verily, the wolf eats the solitary sheep.”  Source: Sunan Abu Dawud 547  Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to An-Nawawi

A Guy And Girl In A library

 

A guy asked a girl in a library, “Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

The girl answered with a loud voice, “I dont’t want to spend the night with youuu!”

All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and she told him, “I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?”

The guy responded with a loud voice, “$200 just for one night!? That’s too much!”

And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ears, “I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty.”

Quote Of The Day: Narrated Ibn 'Umar (Radi-Allahu 'anhu): That he found 'Umar bin Al-Khattab in a group of people and he was swearing by his father. So Allah's Apostle (Sallallahu 'Alaihi Wa Sallam) called them, saying, “Verily! Allah forbids you to swear by your fathers. If one has to take an oath, he should swear by Allah S.W.T or otherwise keep quiet.”  Bukhari Vol. 8 : No. 129