You Need A Good Laugh

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are some priceless quotes:

✐I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, “How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?” I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word. He knew better.

✐I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, “I think I like playing with men's balls.”

✐My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, “No, I'm just looking at your nuts.” My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget about it.

✐Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, “No.” I kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.” Then I said, “Dan, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?” “No,” he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, “Danny, did you have an accident?” This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. “"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!” While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had.

✐This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, “So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?” Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too.

✐While on a flight from New York, the stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other stewardess got a message from the pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced, “Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off.” No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston, and all the other stewardesses were laughing all the way and half of the passengers.

✐I was working in an aquarium, when some new guy who was recently hired was given the task of feeding the fish. He started throwing in friggin peanuts. I walked up to him, looking angry, and said to him, “Damn it! They can't digest that! All they can do is lick your nuts!”. Needless to say, I quit.

The Foul-Mouthed Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. 

John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to “clean up” the bird’s vocabulary. 

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. 

John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. 

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.” 

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, “May I ask what the turkey did?”

Monkey In The Plane

Once in Brazil a plane crashed, only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive. Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply in actions. The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.   

Officer: When the plane took off what were the travelers doing? 

Monkey: Tying their belts. 

Officer:  What were the air hostesses doing? 

Monkey: Saying Hello! Good morning! 

Officer: What were the pilots doing? 

Monkey: Checking the system. 

Officer: What were you doing? Monkey: Looking for my people.  

Officer: After 10 minutes what were the travelers doing? 

Monkey: Having beverages and snacks. 

Officer: What were the air hostesses doing? 

Monkey: Serving the travelers. 

Officer: What were the pilots doing? 

Monkey: Handling the steering. 

Officer: What were you doing? 

Monkey: Eating and throwing.  

Officer: After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing? 

Monkey: Some were sleeping and some were reading. 

Officer: What were the air hostesses doing? 

Monkey: Make up. Officer: What were the pilots doing? 

Monkey: Handling the steering. 

Officer: What were you doing? 

Monkey: Nothing.  

Officer: Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing? 

Monkey: All were sleeping. 

Officer: What were the pilots doing? 

Monkey: Handling the air hostess. 

Officer: What were you doing? 

Monkey: Handling the steering!  

No more questions!

Blonde Gets A Bank Loan

A blonde woman walks into a bank in Manhattan and asks for the loan officer.  

She says she’s going to Japan on business for three weeks and needs to borrow $3,000.  

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title, and everything checks out.  

The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $110K car as collateral against such a small loan.  

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank’s secure garage and parks it there.  

Three weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $3000 plus interest, which amounted to $17.38.  

The loan officer asks, “Mam, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very well, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are very wealthy. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $3000?”  

The blonde replied, “Where else in Manhattan can I park my car for three weeks for under $20 and expect it to be there when I return?” 

[Not all blondes are dumb.] 

Spaghetti

This Is Business

Two Men Chatting

Two men chatting. “Do you look at your your wife's face when you have s@x?” 

“I did once and she looked really angry.” 

“Why angry?”

“Coz she was watching from the window.”