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Monday, 26 March 2012

Hunting Trip

Four men go on a hunting trip. The only hotel in the area is almost full, so they have to bunk two to a room. No-one wants to share with Joe because he snores, so the others decide to take turns.

The first man stays with Joe and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes bloodshot.

“What happened to you?” ask his friends.

“Joe snored so loudly I just sat up and watched him all night,” he moans.

The following evening, it is the second chap's turn. He also looks awful the next morning.

“Oh, man, that Joe shakes the roof,” he says. “I sat up and watched him all night too.”

The third night is Frank's turn, a burly ex-rugby player: a man's man. Next morning he comes down to breakfast looking very fresh.

“Good morning,” he says brightly.

The first two men are incredulous. “Wow, what happened?”

“Well,” says Frank.

 “We got ready for bed, I tucked Joe in, wished him sweet dreams and kissed him on the forehead. He sat up and watched me all night.”

Tuesday, 20 March 2012

The Virgin

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.

Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker, who also happened to be the local postal clerk, to make the proper "final" arrangements.

As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:


Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.

A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen.

He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.

For days, he agonized over the dilemma.

But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it
read as follows:



A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone now."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to
stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat:

"I do not have a headache."
"I do not have a headache."
"I do not have a headache."

It worked! The headaches are all gone!"

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire
in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the
hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his
clothes grabs his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her
on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even
better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife musters up the strength and quietly follows him.

There, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying:

"She's not my wife."
"She's not my wife."
"She's not my wife!"

Tuesday, 13 March 2012

Smart Old Man

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $8000 and felt really good about the result. On her way home she stopped at boutique to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the salesgirl, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" . The girl look at her and said "About 35," .

"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonalds for lunch, and asked the order taker the same question, to which the reply was, "Oh you look about 29?"

"I am actually 47." That made her feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.

He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is bad, but when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the woman thought, "What the hell", and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "Ok, You are 47."

Stunned the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds!"

Friday, 9 March 2012

A Dog Named Sex

Folks generally aren't very creative in choosing names for their dogs.
That's why there are so many named Rover and Spot.
But, have you heard the plight of the fellow who thought he'd be cute and named his dog Sex?
It goes like this:

"One day Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. 
A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight? I told him I was looking for Sex.
My case comes up next Tuesday."

"But, that ain't the worst part. One day, I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex. 
The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said, 'I'd like to have one, too.'
Then, I said, 'You don't understand. She's a dog.'
He said he didn't care how she looked.
When I told him I'd had Sex since I was 5, he said, “You must have been an early bloomer."

"When I decided to get married, I told the minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me I'd have 
to wait until after the wedding. When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole 
life revolved around Sex, he said he didn't want to hear about my personal life."

"After my wife and I were married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, 
I told the clerk I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex. She said. 'Every room in the hotel was 
for sex.' I said, 'You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.' The clerk said, 'Me, too.' "

"When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. When I told the Judge I had 
Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, “ Me. too."

"Now that I've been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, 
I'm in counseling. My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was. I said 'Sex has died and left my life. It's 
like losing a best friend and I'm so lonely,' I told him.
He said, “Look, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Get yourself a dog."

Sunday, 4 March 2012

Don't Copy If You Can't Paste

A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience. He said, "the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife."  

The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added, "and that woman was my mother."
Laughter and applause.

A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink. He said loudly to his wife who was preparing dinner, "the greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife."

The wife went; "ah!" with shock and rage.  Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was." 

By the time the manager regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital bed nursing burns from boiling water.

Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste.

Mike’s Goldfish Died

Little Mike was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Mike?"

"My goldfish died and I've just buried him," replied Mike tearfully without looking up.

The neighbor frowned.

"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish isn't it?"

Mike patted down the last piece of earth.

"Well", he replied, "that's because it's inside your cat."