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Sunday, 31 March 2013

Prostate Check-up

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, “I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, ‘99’.”

The guy obeys and says, “99.”

The doctor says, “Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, ‘99’.”

Again, the guy says, “99.”

The doctor said, “Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, ‘99’.”

The guy begins, “One, two, three, four...”

Quote Of The Day: Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “When the human being dies, his deeds come to an end except for three: ongoing charity, beneficial knowledge, or a righteous child who prays for him.”  Source: Sahih Muslim 1631  Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Imam Muslim

Tuesday, 26 March 2013

The Old Man Trick

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. 

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. 

The old man said, “I don't think you understand, I want something very special.”  

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

“Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweler said. 

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. 

The old man seeing this said, “We'll take it.” 

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. 

“I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up monday afternoon,” he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. 

“There's no money in that account.” 

“I know,” said the old man, “but can you imagine the weekend I had?” 

Don't mess with old people.

Quote Of The Day: Anas ibn Malik reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Verily, Satan is lying in wait over the heart of the son of Adam; when he remembers Allah, Satan withdraws, but when he forgets Allah, Satan will overpower his heart.”  Source: Al-Jami’ As-Sagheer 4972  Grade: Hasan (fair) according to As-Suyuti

Monday, 25 March 2013

Deaf Genie

A man walks into a bar and hears piano music. He looks at the piano and can't see anyone sitting there, so he walks over and discovers a foot-tall man standing on the piano bench playing the tune of Dixie-Girl. 

The man thought that this was strange so he goes over to the bartender and asks where the man came from. 

“Here,” says the bartender, handing the man a genie lamp,  “rub this.”  

So the man rubs the lamp and out comes this genie. 

“What do you wish for?” asks the genie. 

“A million bucks,” the man states, quite sure of himself. 

“Granted.” And the genie claps his hands and disappeared back into the lamp. The man looks around, checks his wallet but can't find a million bucks anywhere. Just that moment, a million ducks fly through the bar. 

Astounded the man says, “Hey! I didn't ask for a million ducks.” 

“Do you think that I asked for a 12 inch pianist?” replied the bartender.

Quote Of The Day: Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “When a Muslim or a believer washes his face in ablution, then every sin which he committed with his eyes will be washed away with the last drop of water; when he washes his hands, then every sin which he committed with his hands will be washed away with the last drop of water; and when he washes his feet, then every sin which he committed with his feet will be washed away with the last drop of water until he emerges purified from sin.”  Source: Sahih Muslim 244  Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Imam Muslim

Saturday, 23 March 2013

Corruption In The Courtroom

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. 

“Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?”  

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn’t heard the question.   

“Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated. 

The witness still did not respond.   

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question.”    

“Oh,” the startled witness said, “I thought he was talking to you.” 

Quote Of The Day: Khalid ibn Sa’d reported: We went out while Ghalib ibn Abjar was with us. He became sick on the way and he was still sick when we arrived in Medina. Ibn Abi Atiq came to visit him and he said to us, “Treat him with blackseed. Take five or seven seeds and crush them, and put the mixture in both nostrils, for Aisha has narrated to me that she heard the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, say: This blackseed is healing for all diseases except poison.” Aisha said, “What is poison?” He said, “Death.”  [Sahih Bukhari, Book 71, Number 591]

Thursday, 21 March 2013

Train Crash

Neoh Kean Bin is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.  

The inspector decides to give Neoh Kean Bin a pop quiz, asking, “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?”  

Neoh says, “I would switch one train to another track.”   

“What if the lever broke?” asks the inspector.   

“Then I’d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there,” answers Neoh.   

“What if that had been struck by lightning?” challenges the inspector.   

“Then,” Neoh continued, “I’d run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.”   

“What if the phone was busy?”   

“In that case,” Neoh argued, “I’d run to the street level and use the public phone near the station.”   

“What if that had been vandalized?”   

“Oh! well,” said Neoh, “in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo.”   

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, “Why would you do that?”   

“Because he’s never seen a train crash.”

Quote Of The Day: Anas ibn Malik reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Verily, Satan is lying in wait over the heart of the son of Adam; when he remembers Allah, Satan withdraws, but when he forgets Allah, Satan will overpower his heart.”  Source: Al-Jami’ As-Sagheer 4972  Grade: Hasan (fair) according to As-Suyuti

Sunday, 17 March 2013

Driving Like Mom

One day, two guys decide to take a drive to a local grocery store to get some lunch. On the way to the store they ran into an intersection with a stoplight. The light showed red. The man driving went right through the red light.

The passenger looked at the driver and screamed, “What the heck are you doing? You're going to get us killed!”

Then the driver responded, “Don't worry, my mother always drives like this.”

So later on, the two guys came to another stoplight and that too was red. The driver sped right through the light.

Again the passenger looked at the driver and said, “I thought I told you, you're gonna get us killed! Would you please stop this nonsense.”

The driver looked at the passenger and responded, “All right. I get it but I told you my mother drives like this all the time.” 

Again, the two guys ran into another light. This time in was green. The driver slammed on his breaks and stopped the car totally.

“What the hell are you doing?” The passenger screamed.

“This is the third time you almost got us killed. Why did you stop at a green light?”

The driver replied, “That's my moms car coming over there.”

Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “There are two groups among the people of Hellfire whom I did not see: a people who have whips like the tails of oxen with which they beat people, and women who will be naked although they are clothed, who will incline toward evil and tempt their husbands with it. Their heads will be like the humps of a camel leaning to one side. They will not enter Paradise and they will not smell its fragrance although it can be detected from such-and-such distance.”  Source: Sahih Muslim 2128

The Age Gap

At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door and it’s Roger, again he is ready for more ‘action’. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger Is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more ‘action’. And, once more they enjoy each other. 

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him,  “I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.”  

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says, “You mean I was here already?” 

The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.   

P.S: Have I sent this to you already?

Quote Of The Day: Salim ibn Abu Al-Ja’d reported: Sharahbil ibn As-Samt said, “O Ka’b ibn Murrah! Narrate something from the Messenger of Allah and be cautious about it.” Ka’b said: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Whoever has his hair turned grey in Islam, it will be a light for him on the Day of Resurrection.”  Source: Sunan At-Tirmidhi 1634

Saturday, 16 March 2013

Giving To The Needy

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. 

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, “If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?” 

“No, I stopped drinking years ago,” the bum said. 

“Will you use it to gamble?” 

“I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay live.” 

“Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?”

“Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!” 

The man said, “Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.” 

The bum was astounded. 

“Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad.” 

The man replied, “Hey, man, that's OK! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf.”

Quote Of The Day: Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Allah the Exalted says: I am as My servant expects of Me, so if he thinks good of Me then he will have it, and if he thinks evil of Me then he will have it.”  Source: Musnad Ahmad 8833

Saturday, 9 March 2013

Driver's License

A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, “Mommy, how old are you?”
The mother responded, “Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older.”

The girl then asked, “Mommy, how much do you weigh?”
Her mother responded again, “That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up.”
The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, “Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?”
The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, “Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now.”
The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, “All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything.”
Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, “Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old.”
The mother is very shocked. She asks, “Sweetheart, how do you know that?”
The little girl shrugs and says, “I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds.”
“Where did you learn that?”
The little girl says, “I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an ‘F’ in sex.”

Quote Of The Day: Abdullah ibn Mas’ud reported: He stood upon a platform and he grabbed his tongue and he said, “O tongue! Speak goodness and be rewarded, or remain silent and be safe before you are regretful.” Then he said: I heard the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, say, “Most of the sins of the children of Adam are on their tongues.”  [At-Tabarani, Mu’jam Al-Kabeer, Number 10300, Sahih]

Wednesday, 6 March 2013

That's Once


A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,” explained the man. “We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, ‘That's once’. We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, ‘That twice’. We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead. I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, ‘That's once’.”

Quote Of The Day: Usamah ibn Zaid reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “The most grateful of the people to Allah are those who are most grateful to others.”  [Al-Bayhaqi, Shu’b Al-Iman, Number 8534, Sahih]

Monday, 4 March 2013

The Tesco Doctor

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor.”  

“Listen mate, don't waste your time down at the surgery,” Mike replies, “There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid. A lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points.”  

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.  

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: ‘You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks’.  

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.  

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and ‘pleasured himself’ into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.  

He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin. The computer prints the following:  

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.  

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.  

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.  

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.  

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. 

Thank you for shopping at Tesco.

Quote Of The Day: Ibn Kathir reported: It is mentioned in the exegesis of Baqi Makhlad Al-Hafiz that Satan cried aloud four times: first when Allah cursed him, second when he was expelled from Paradise, third when the Prophet was born, peace and blessings be upon him, and fourth when the opening chapter (surah al-fatihah) was revealed.  [Al-Bidaya wa Nihaya 391]

Saturday, 2 March 2013

Harley Davidson Rider

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops. 

“What are you doing?” he asks. 

“I'm going to commit a suicide,” she says. 

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity and he asked, “Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?” 

So, she does. After she's finished the biker says, “Wow!  That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?” 

“My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl.”

Quote Of The Day: Abu Razeen reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Allah smiles at the despair of His servants as He soon changes it.” I said, “O Messenger of Allah, does the Lord laugh?” He said, “Yes.” I said, “We will never be deprived of good by a Lord who laughs.”  [Sunan Ibn Majah, Introduction, Number 181, Sahih]

Ibn Taymiyyah said, “The sane desert Arab upon his sound natural instinct understands His laughter to demonstrate His grace and blessings; it shows that this characteristic is related to beauty and praise, and that this is a characteristic of perfection.”  [Majmu’ Al-Fatawa, Al-Aqidah]

Friday, 1 March 2013

A Man And His Penguins

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas attendant spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.  

He asks the driver, “What's up with the penguins in the back seat?”  

The man in the car says, “I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue.”  

The clerk ponders a bit then says, “You should take them to the zoo.”

“Hey, that's a good idea,” says the man in the car and drives away.  

The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.  

“Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo.”  

“Oh, I did,” says the driver, “And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach.” 

Quote Of The Day: Abdullah ibn Mas’ud reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “There are three people whom Allah loves: a man who stood at night reciting the Book of Allah, a man who spent in charity with his right hand while concealing it (or it seems that he said “his left hand”), and a man from a small expedition whose companions were decimated yet he still faced the enemy.”  [Sunan At-Tirmidhi, Book of Paradise, Number 2567, Sahih]