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Sunday 30 June 2013

Medicare Coverage



The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, “Hello.”

“Mrs. Sanders, please.”

“Speaking.”

“Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.”

“What do you mean?” Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

“Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.”

“That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?” questioned Mrs. Sanders.

“Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.”

“Well, what am I supposed to do now?”

“The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.”



Quote Of The Day: Ibn Mas’ud reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “I used to forbid you from visiting the graves, but now you may visit them, for verily, they will draw your attention away from the world and remind you of the Hereafter.”  Source: Sunan Ibn Majah 1571  Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to As-Suyuti



Sunday 23 June 2013

Not So Dumb Irish



A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London, and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense.

Irish Garda says, “License and registration, please.”

London Lawyer says, “What for?”

Irish Garda replies, “You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign.”


London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

Irish Garda says, “You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.”

London Lawyer says, “What's the difference?”

Irish Garda says, “The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!”

London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between ‘slow down’ and ‘stop’, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.”

Irish Garda says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”

The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the fuck out of the lawyer with it and says, “Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?”




Quote Of The Day: Abu Sa’eed Al-Khudri reported: The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Iblees said: By the Lord, I will continue to mislead the children of Adam as long as their souls are in their bodies. The Lord Almighty said: I will continue to forgive them as long as they seek my forgiveness.”  Source: Musnad Ahmad 11321  Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to As-Suyuti




A New Employee



A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. No, it's not the usual caps-lock problem.  

“The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars,” she says.  

“Those asterisks are to protect you,” the Help Desk technician explains, “so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password.” 

“Yeah,” she says, “but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me.”


Quote Of The Day: Anas ibn Malik reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “The faith of a servant is not upright until his heart is upright, and his heart is not upright until his tongue is upright. A man will not enter Paradise if his neighbor is not secure from his evil.”  Source: Musnad Ahmad 12636  Grade: Hasan (fair) according to Al-Albani




Tuesday 18 June 2013

Can You Give Me A Push?



A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. 

“I'm not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

“Aren't you going to answer that?” says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

“Hi there,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push?” 


“No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and slams the door. 

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, “Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?”
“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.

“It doesn't matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him.” 


So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?” 

And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please.”

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?” 


And the stranger replies, “I'm over here, on your swing.”


Quote Of The Day: Anas ibn Malik reported: The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “None will taste the sweetness of faith until he loves a person only for the sake of Allah, until he would rather be thrown in the fire than to return to unbelief, and until Allah and His Messenger are more beloved to him than anything else.”  Source: Sahih Bukhari 5694  Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Al-Bukhari



Sunday 16 June 2013

The Love Dress




The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.  

“What are you doing?” she asked.  

“I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law answered.  

“But you're NAKED!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.  

“This is my Love Dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.  

“Love Dress? But you're naked!” 

“My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute.”

The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left.  

On the way home she thought about the Love Dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.  

Finally her husband got home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.  

“What are you doing?” he exclaimed.  

“This is My Love Dress,” she replied.  

“Needs ironing,” he said.


Quote Of The Day: Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “By Allah, the son of Mary will descend as a just ruler. He will abolish the cross, kill the swine, and annul the tribute, but he will leave the she-camel such that no one collects from it. He will cause rancor, hatred, and envy to disappear, and he will call people to give their wealth in charity but no one will need it.”  Source: Sahih Muslim 155  Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Imam Muslim


Friday 14 June 2013

Big Mouth



A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, “I clocked you at 130 kph. sir.”  

The driver says, “Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps your radar needs calibrating.” 

Not looking up from her magazine the wife says sweetly, “Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.”  

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?” 

The wife smiles demurely and says, “You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.” 

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glares at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Dammit woman, can't you keep your trap shut.” 

The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $100 fine.” 

The driver says, “Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”  

The wife says, “Now dear you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.”  

As the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP?”  

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?”  

“Oh! heavens no, officer. Only when he's drunk.” 


Quote Of The Day: Mu’awiyah ibn Al-Qushayri reported: I said, “O Messenger of Allah, what are the rights of women over us?” The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “You should feed her when you eat, clothe her when you clothe yourself, do not strike her on the face, and do not rebuke her or separate from her except inside the house.”  Source: Sunan Abu Dawud 2142  Grade: Hasan (fair) according to An-Nawawi


Friday 7 June 2013

Two Nuns And Blind Man




Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior was that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.  

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.  

In the middle of the project, there was a knock at the door. 

“Who is it?” called one of the nuns. 

“Blind man,” replied a voice from the other side of the door.  

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.  

“Nice boobs,” said the man, “Where do you want these blinds?”


Quote Of The Day: Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “By Allah, the son of Mary will descend as a just ruler. He will abolish the cross, kill the swine, and annul the tribute, but he will leave the she-camel such that no one collects from it. He will cause rancor, hatred, and envy to disappear, and he will call people to give their wealth in charity but no one will need it.”  Source: Sahih Muslim 155  Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Imam Muslim



Saturday 1 June 2013

Plane Crash





A search and rescue team had been assembled and sent on a mission to find an airplane that had crashed on top of a mountain. It was their duty to rescue any survivors. After finally reaching the top of the mountain, they came upon the crash site. At the site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of other bones, he noticed the rescue team. 

“Thank God,” he cried out in relief. “I am saved!” 

The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten all of his comrades. The survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. 

“You can't judge me for this,” he insisted. “I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?”

The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. “I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but my God man, your plane only went down yesterday.”


Quote Of The Day: Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “You will not enter Paradise until you believe and you will not believe until you love each other. Shall I show you something that, if you did, you would love each other? Spread peace between yourselves.”  Source: Sahih Muslim 54  Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Imam Muslim