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Monday, 31 December 2012

Blonde In Disguise

Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown. She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.  

“Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?” 

The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. 

She blurts out “352.” 

He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep.  

“I'll take this one,” she says proudly. “It's the cutest.”  

“Hey lady,” says the shepherd, “If I guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?”

Quote Of The Day: Narrated Ibn 'Umar:  Allah's Apostle said, “Whoever drinks alcoholic drinks in the world and does not repent (before dying), will be deprived of it in the Hereafter.”

Saturday, 29 December 2012

Looking For A Wife

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, “Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?” 

Fred replied, “Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them.” 

His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother.” 

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?” 

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.” 

The friend said, “Then what's the problem?” 

Fred replied, “My father doesn't like her.” 

Quote Of The Day: Narrated Abu Mas'ud Al-Ansari:  The Prophet said, “When a Muslim spends something on his family intending to receive Allah's reward it is regarded as Sadaqa for him.”

Sunday, 23 December 2012

Good To Laugh

Telephone Bill 

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting.  

Dad : People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone. I use the one at the office.

Mum : Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone  

Son : Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile  

Maid : So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones. 

Prospective Employer to Applicant : So why did you leave your previous job?

Applicant : The company relocated and they did not tell me where.


You were riding a bus, when you suddenly fart. Luckily the music is very loud. Every time you farted, you timed it with the music. When you were going down the bus, everybody were throwing dagger looks at you, and you suddenly realized, that you have your MP3 player on your ears.


WIFE : It's a miracle! You came home early. 

HUSBAND : I just obeyed what my boss told me to do. He said, 'GO TO HELL', that's why I came home early.  


John : It's my wife's birthday.

Peter : What's your gift to her? 

John : I asked her what she wanted.

Peter : What did she said? 

John : Anything, as long as there is a DIAMOND. 

Peter : What did you gave her? 

John : playing cards.  


After having failed his exam in 'Logistics and Organization', a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.  

Student : Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?  

Professor : Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!  

Student : Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. However, if you do not know the answer, I want you give me an 'A' for the exam.

Professor : Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?  

Student : What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?  

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an 'A', as agreed.  

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.  

He immediately answers : Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an 'A', although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical.

Marriage Part I,II,III,IV

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
“I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”
His new bride said, “No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not.”
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, “When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever’.”
“Yeah?” she replies. “When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last’.” 
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, “And you are no good in bed either,” and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, “what took you so long to answer the phone?”
She says, “I was in bed.”
“In bed this early, doing what?”
“Getting a second opinion.”
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,‘Mother of Six’ in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home ‘Mother of six’?” 
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, “Anytime you're ready, ‘Father of Four’.”

Friday, 14 December 2012

You Need A Good Laugh

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are some priceless quotes:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, “How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?” I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word. He knew better.

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, “I think I like playing with men's balls.”

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, “No, I'm just looking at your nuts.” My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget about it.

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, “No.” I kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.” Then I said, “Dan, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?” “No,” he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, “Danny, did you have an accident?” This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. “"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!” While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had.

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, “So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?” Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too.

While on a flight from New York, the stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other stewardess got a message from the pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced, “Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off.” No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston, and all the other stewardesses were laughing all the way and half of the passengers.

I was working in an aquarium, when some new guy who was recently hired was given the task of feeding the fish. He started throwing in friggin peanuts. I walked up to him, looking angry, and said to him, “Damn it! They can't digest that! All they can do is lick your nuts!”. Needless to say, I quit.