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Monday, 31 December 2012

Blonde In Disguise



Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown. She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.  

“Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?” 

The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. 

She blurts out “352.” 

He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep.  

“I'll take this one,” she says proudly. “It's the cutest.”  

“Hey lady,” says the shepherd, “If I guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?”


Quote Of The Day: Narrated Ibn 'Umar:  Allah's Apostle said, “Whoever drinks alcoholic drinks in the world and does not repent (before dying), will be deprived of it in the Hereafter.”

Saturday, 29 December 2012

Looking For A Wife


Fred is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, “Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?” 

Fred replied, “Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them.” 

His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother.” 

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?” 

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.” 

The friend said, “Then what's the problem?” 

Fred replied, “My father doesn't like her.” 


Quote Of The Day: Narrated Abu Mas'ud Al-Ansari:  The Prophet said, “When a Muslim spends something on his family intending to receive Allah's reward it is regarded as Sadaqa for him.”



Sunday, 23 December 2012

Good To Laugh



Telephone Bill 

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting.  

Dad : People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone. I use the one at the office.

Mum : Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone  

Son : Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile  

Maid : So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones. 

********
Prospective Employer to Applicant : So why did you leave your previous job?

Applicant : The company relocated and they did not tell me where.

 ******* 

You were riding a bus, when you suddenly fart. Luckily the music is very loud. Every time you farted, you timed it with the music. When you were going down the bus, everybody were throwing dagger looks at you, and you suddenly realized, that you have your MP3 player on your ears.

******* 

WIFE : It's a miracle! You came home early. 

HUSBAND : I just obeyed what my boss told me to do. He said, 'GO TO HELL', that's why I came home early.  

******* 

John : It's my wife's birthday.

Peter : What's your gift to her? 

John : I asked her what she wanted.

Peter : What did she said? 

John : Anything, as long as there is a DIAMOND. 

Peter : What did you gave her? 

John : playing cards.  

******* 

After having failed his exam in 'Logistics and Organization', a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.  

Student : Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?  

Professor : Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!  

Student : Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. However, if you do not know the answer, I want you give me an 'A' for the exam.

Professor : Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?  

Student : What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?  

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an 'A', as agreed.  

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.  

He immediately answers : Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an 'A', although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical.

Marriage Part I,II,III,IV



Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
“I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”
His new bride said, “No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not.”
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, “When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever’.”
“Yeah?” she replies. “When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last’.” 
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, “And you are no good in bed either,” and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, “what took you so long to answer the phone?”
She says, “I was in bed.”
“In bed this early, doing what?”
“Getting a second opinion.”
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,‘Mother of Six’ in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home ‘Mother of six’?” 
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, “Anytime you're ready, ‘Father of Four’.”

Friday, 14 December 2012

You Need A Good Laugh


Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are some priceless quotes:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, “How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?” I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word. He knew better.

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, “I think I like playing with men's balls.”

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, “No, I'm just looking at your nuts.” My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget about it.

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, “No.” I kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.” Then I said, “Dan, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?” “No,” he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, “Danny, did you have an accident?” This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. “"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!” While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had.

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, “So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?” Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too.

While on a flight from New York, the stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other stewardess got a message from the pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced, “Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off.” No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston, and all the other stewardesses were laughing all the way and half of the passengers.

I was working in an aquarium, when some new guy who was recently hired was given the task of feeding the fish. He started throwing in friggin peanuts. I walked up to him, looking angry, and said to him, “Damn it! They can't digest that! All they can do is lick your nuts!”. Needless to say, I quit.

Friday, 30 November 2012

The Foul-Mouthed Parrot


A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. 

John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to “clean up” the bird’s vocabulary. 

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. 

John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. 

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.” 

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, “May I ask what the turkey did?”

Monday, 19 November 2012

Monkey In The Plane


Once in Brazil a plane crashed, only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive. Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply in actions. The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.   

Officer: When the plane took off what were the travelers doing? 
Monkey: Tying their belts. 
Officer:  What were the air hostesses doing? 
Monkey: Saying Hello! Good morning! 
Officer: What were the pilots doing? 
Monkey: Checking the system. 
Officer: What were you doing? Monkey: Looking for my people.  

Officer: After 10 minutes what were the travelers doing? 
Monkey: Having beverages and snacks. 
Officer: What were the air hostesses doing? 
Monkey: Serving the travelers. 
Officer: What were the pilots doing? 
Monkey: Handling the steering. 
Officer: What were you doing? 
Monkey: Eating and throwing.  

Officer: After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing? 
Monkey: Some were sleeping and some were reading. 
Officer: What were the air hostesses doing? 
Monkey: Make up. Officer: What were the pilots doing? 
Monkey: Handling the steering. 
Officer: What were you doing? 
Monkey: Nothing.  

Officer: Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing? 
Monkey: All were sleeping. 
Officer: What were the pilots doing? 
Monkey: Handling the air hostess. 
Officer: What were you doing? 
Monkey: Handling the steering!  

No more questions!


Monday, 12 November 2012

Blonde Gets A Bank Loan



A blonde woman walks into a bank in Manhattan and asks for the loan officer.  

She says she’s going to Japan on business for three weeks and needs to borrow $3,000.  

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title, and everything checks out.  

The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $110K car as collateral against such a small loan.  

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank’s secure garage and parks it there.  

Three weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $3000 plus interest, which amounted to $17.38.  

The loan officer asks, “Mam, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very well, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are very wealthy. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $3000?”  

The blonde replied, “Where else in Manhattan can I park my car for three weeks for under $20 and expect it to be there when I return?” 

[Not all blondes are dumb.] 

Monday, 5 November 2012

Two Men Chatting


Two men chatting. “Do you look at your your wife's face when you have s@x?” 

“I did once and she looked really angry.” 

“Why angry?”

“Coz she was watching from the window.”

Tuesday, 30 October 2012

Kidnapped


A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. 

‘I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 A.M.’ 
Signed, ‘The Blonde’. 

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. 

The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note. 

‘Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another’.

Police And Thief




Police asked a thief, “why you stole 3 times in the same store?”

Thief replied, “I stole one dress for my wife and I went to change it twice. Women you know!”

Boy And Girl




Boy : Boys are inteligent than girls.

Girl : Any proof?

Boy : You always say INTELLIGENTS, but you never say INTELLILADIES.

GREAT PEOPLE,
GREAT THOUGHTS.

Monday, 15 October 2012

Fishin' Trip

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big ‘everything under one roof’ department store looking for a job. The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”
The kid says, “Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Dakota.” 

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.” 

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up the boss came down. “How many customers bought something from you today?” 

The kid says, “One.”
The boss says, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?” 

The kid says, “$101,237.65.”
The boss says, “$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?”

The kid says, “First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.”
The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?”
The kid said, “No the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing’.”

Monday, 8 October 2012

Fast Thinking Old Man


The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely with picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over. He hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence.
At once, they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, “We're not coming out until you leave.”
The old man frowned, “I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked.”
Holding up the bucket, he said, “I'm here to feed the alligator.”
Moral: Old men can still think fast!

Sunday, 30 September 2012

City Workers

Two guys were working for the city. One would furiously dig a hole, then the other would come behind him and quickly fill the hole. They were drenched in sweat. A man watching from the sidewalk couldn’t believe how hard they were working, but also couldn’t understand what they were doing. 

Finally he said, “I’m confused. You dig a hole and then your partner comes behind you and fills it up again.”
The digger leaned on his shovel and replied, “Oh yeah, it must look funny. You see, the lazy jackass who plants the trees is sick again today.”

Monday, 17 September 2012

Husband Smart But Wife Smarter

 

A man called home to his wife and said, “Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.”

“Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas.”

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home, a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, “Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?”





You'll love the answer. 

The wife replied,




 


“I did. They're in your fishing box.”

Oh My English


We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes, but the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes. 
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice, yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.  


If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen? 
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?  


Then one may be that, and there would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose. 
We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!  


Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger. Neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England.  


We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?        

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? 


If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?        

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?  


We ship by truck but send cargo by ship. We have noses that run and feet that smell. We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway. And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?        

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language In which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.  And in closing..........  


If Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop.???

Saturday, 8 September 2012

Speaking German In Texas



Near Fredericksburg, Texas, where there is a large German-speaking population, a farmer walking down a country road notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand.
The farmer shouted, “Trink das wasser nicht. die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.”
Which means: “Don't drink the water, the cows have pooped in it.”
The man should back, “I'm from New York, and just down here campaigning for Obama's heath care plan. I can't understand you. Please speak in English.”
The farmer replied, “Use two hands , you'll get more.”

Monday, 3 September 2012

Kid And His Mom



Little kid and his mom at wedding party.

Kid : Mommy, why does the girl wear white?

Mom : Because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life.

Kid :  Well then, why is the boy wearing black?

Sunday, 2 September 2012

In The Army



The Captain called the Sergeant in. “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.” So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.
“Listen up, men,” says the Sergeant. “Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.”
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. “Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?”
“Yes, sir,” answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.” So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. “Ok, men, fall in and listen up.”
“Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward.” “Not so fast, McGrath!”

Saturday, 1 September 2012

Flat Tummy

A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad  bouncing up and down. 

The mom see's her son and quickly dismounts, worried  about what her son has seen. She dress's quickly and goes to find him. The  son see's his mom and asks, “What were you and dad doing?”

The mother replies “Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I  have to get on top of it to help flatten it.”

 “You're wasting your time,” says the boy.

 “Why is that?” asked him mom, puzzled.
 

“Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her  knees and blows it right back up.”



Saying The Right Thing


Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian.”

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son, what happened last night?”

“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”

His son replies, “Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'”

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

The Beautiful Girl At Customs


A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, Father, may I ask a favour?

Of course you may. What can I do for you?

Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid that they'll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?

I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.

With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.

When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, Father, do you have anything to declare?

From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.

The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?

I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, God bless you, Father, go ahead."

3 Men And A Bridge


One day 3 men were walking across this bridge; an American, a Mexican, and a Frenchie. When they got to the middle of the bridge, the Frenchie stopped, pulled a bottle of wine out of his pack, and threw it over the bridge.

The Mexican & the American both yelled out, “What the hell did you do that for?" The Frenchie just shrugged and said, “We've got too much of that in our country.”

The Mexican, catching the Frenchies drift, pulled out a bottle of Tequila and threw it over the bridge. The American and the Frenchie both yelled out, “What the hell did you do that for?”

The Mexican shrugged and said, “We have too many of that in our country.”

Now, the American thought for a long time, and finally, he picked up the Mexican and threw him into the water. The Frenchie looked at him in dis belief and said, “Why in gods name did you do that?" and the American replied, “We've got too many of those in our country.”

Saturday, 25 August 2012

The Gambler


During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, “Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks.” 
The bartender said, “That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first.” 
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. “Where did you get all that money?” asked the bartender.
“I'm a professional gambler,” replied the man.
The bartender said, “There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?” 
“Well, I only bet on sure things,” said the guy.
“Like what?” asked the bartender.
“Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye,” he said.
The bartender thought about it. “Okay,” he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. “Aw, you screwed me,” said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
“I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye,”  said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, “Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet.” So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
“Aw, you screwed me again!” protested the bartender.
“That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars,” said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, “Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop.” 
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. “Okay, you're on,” he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, “Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!” 
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, “That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugt!” 

Saturday, 18 August 2012

How Many Women Have You Slept With?



When my  wife asked me, “How  many women have you slept  with?” 

I  proudly replied, “Only  you, Darling, with all the others, I was  awake.”
 

Hospital  Visiting Hours are  10 AM to 8 PM