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Tuesday, 31 January 2012

Jokes 3

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries.  The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.

“What are you doing?” his mother asked.

“The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken,” the boy explained.  “I'm looking for the seal.”

You can't always judge by appearances; the early bird may have been up all night.

Flying through the Midwest in the summer means one thing: turbulence.
I was working as a flight attendant on one particular flight when we hit a patch of very rough air just after a young teen on his first flight, had entered the bathroom.

After the bumps had subsided, he exited the bathroom, a look of sheer terror etched on his face.

"Are you all right?" I asked.  "Don't worry, that turbulence was as bad as it gets."

"Oh!  "So that's what it was," he said.  "I thought I'd pushed the wrong button."

The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions.

A teacher asked the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.

1st little boy said, "Alligator."

The teacher said, "Very good, that's a big word."

2nd boy said, "Predator."

Teacher said, "Yes, that's another big word."

3rd boy said, "Vibrator, Miss."

After nearly falling off her chair, she said, "That's a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."

The reply was, "Well, my sister has one and she says it eats batteries!"

Jokes 2

The farmer has to be an optimist or he wouldn't still be a farmer. - Will Rogers, 1879 - 1935
Although a bright and able man, my husband is almost completely helpless when faced with even the simplest domestic chore.

One day, in exasperation, I pointed out to him that our friend, Betty had taught her husband Frank, to cook, sew and do laundry, and that if anything ever happened to Betty, Frank would be able to care for himself.

Then I said, "What would you do if anything happened to me?"

After considering that possibility for a moment, my husband said happily, "I'd move in with Frank!"
Whatever you do, don't give up.  Because all you can do once you've given up is bitch.  I've known some great bitchers in my time.  With some it's a passion, with others an art. - Molly Ivins, 1944 - 2007
Customer:  I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work.  What am I doing wrong?

Tech support:  OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?

Customer:  Yeah....

Tech support:  And what sort of computer are you using?

Customer:  Computer?  Oh no, I haven't got a computer.  It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises.  Listen.....

Tech support:  Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings.


Thursday, 19 January 2012

You Are My Sunshine (Failed Version)

Girl :  Would you like to be the sun of my life?

Boy :  Awwww, yeah! I really want to!

Girl :  Okay. Stay 92,955,887.6 miles away from me.

Boy :  (-.-)

Tuesday, 10 January 2012

Jokes 1

A woman visiting France drank too much, fell from her hotel window and ended up in a body cast.

She swore never to get plastered in Paris again.
A machine operator came home from the factory and told his wife, "Honey, I've got some good news and some bad news.  First the good news, I got $25,000.00 severance pay!"

His wife said, "$25,000.00 in severance pay?  That's great!  Now, what's the bad news?"

He replied, "Wait till you hear what was severed!"
Classified Ad:

09' Suzuki GSXR 1000, $9,000

This bike is perfect!  It has only 1,000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service.

It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground.  I use it as a cruiser/commuter.  I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife.  Apparently "Do whatever you want" doesn't mean what I thought.  Call Steve 555-1212.
I'd rather visit the zoo than most of my relatives.
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary.

    8:00 am - Dog food!  My favorite thing!
    9:30 am - A car ride!  My favorite thing!
    9:40 am - A walk in the park!  My favorite thing!
    10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted!  My favorite thing!
    12:00 pm - Lunch!  My favorite thing!
    1:00 pm - Played in the yard!  My favorite thing!
    3:00 pm - Wagged my tail!  My favorite thing!
    5:00 pm - Milk Bones!  My favorite thing!
    7:00 pm - Got to play ball!  My favorite thing!
    8:00 pm - Wow!  Watched TV with the people!  My favorite thing!
    11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed!  My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary.

    Day 983 of my captivity...My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

    They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

    Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

    The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.  In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

    Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.  I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.

    However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ' good little hunter ' I am.


    There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight.  I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.  However, I could hear the noises and smell the food.

    I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of ' allergies. '  I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

    Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.  I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

    I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.  The dog receives special privileges.  He is regularly released and seems to be more than willing to return.  He is obviously retarded.

    The bird has got to be an informant.  I observe him communicating with the guards regularly.  I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.  For now....

Sunday, 8 January 2012

Sex And Gas

A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales.

So he put up a sign that read,
"Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. 
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said,
"You were close. The number was 7.
Sorry. No sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba,
pulled in for another fill-up.

Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story,
and asked him to guess the correct number.

The redneck guessed 2 this time.

The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy,
"I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied,
"No it ain't, Billy Ray.

It ain't rigged.
My wife won twice last week."

Mama Said

Harry is sitting at home with his girlfriend, baby-sitting his little sister.  Once they put her to bed, Harry and his girlfriend start getting more comfortable, and just as Harry slides his hand up her skirt his mother walks in.  "Harry, I want a word with you in the kitchen!"

So he follows his mother in and she says, "Harry, I never want to see you doing that again!"

"Why?" Harry asks.

"Because up between those legs is a black hole, and it has  teeth in it.  If you put your hand near it again, it will bite your fingers off!"

Harry promises his mother that he won't.  The years go on, and Harry finally marries his childhood sweetheart.  On their honeymoon, Harry kisses his wife, then rolls over and starts to go to sleep.  His wife, rather annoyed, cries, "Harry, I've been waiting years for this day and I want you to make love to me!"

"Oh no, no, no," Harry answers, "my mother told me that up between your legs you have a black hole with teeth in it, and if I go near it, it will bite me!"

Laughing, his wife rolls over and picks up a flashlight; shining it between her legs, she says, "Can you see any teeth up there?"  Harry moves down the bed to look.  "Well, Harry, can you?" his wife asks.

"No, there's no teeth, but I'm not surprised.  Look at the state of your gums!"


A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While end route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair, and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and the cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I gave you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays for the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cabby and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold."

Some Coffee Humor

At the data-entry company where I work, the other operators and I share a coffeepot.  One morning I took it in to the ladies room to fill it with water.  Then I began preening in the mirror, brushing my hair and re-applying some make-up.  I  didn't realize how long I'd been until someone slipped a note under the door.  "You win," it read.  "Any ransom demand will be met.  Just release the coffeepot."

A man walked up to a vending machine, put in a coin and pressed the button labeled, "Coffee, double cream, sugar." No cup appeared.  Then two nozzels went into action, one sending forth coffee, the other, cream.  After the proper amounts had gone down the drain where the cup should have been, the machine turned off.  "Now that's real automation," the man exclaimed.  "This thing even drinks it for you!"

A lady came into the kitchen, sat down at the table, leaned forward, put her head in her hands and said to her husband "Honey, I feel terrible! My head hurts, my back's killing me and my left breast just burns and burns."  Her husband replied, "I will help you Dear.  I'll get you aspirin for the headache, I'll rub your back and if you'll just sit up and get your breast out of the coffee, it'll stop burning."


Husband says:
"When I get mad at you,
you never fight back.
How do you control your anger?"
Wife says:
"I clean the toilet."
Husband says:
"How does that help?"
Wife says:
"I use your Toothbrush." 

Friday, 6 January 2012

Taxi Driver

Three men were drunk and they stopped a taxi. The taxi driver figured that they were not in their right minds, so he just switched on the engine and switched it off after a while and told them, "we have arrived."


The first man gave him money. The second one thanked him.
 but the third one, he slapped the taxi driver.

The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them must have realized that the car didn’t move an inch.

So, he asked the third man: "what was that for?"
The third man replied, "control your speed next time you got here so quick you almost killed us."