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Tuesday, 27 August 2013

Social Security

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.  

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.

“I will have to go home and come back later.”

The woman says, “Unbutton your shirt.” 

So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair.

She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” and she processed his Social Security application.  

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.”

Quote Of The Day: Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Verily, Allah does not look at your appearance or wealth, but rather He looks at your hearts and actions.”  Source: Sahih Muslim 2564  Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Imam Muslim

Monday, 26 August 2013

Dancing Duck

A man walks into a bar with a duck and a biscuit tin. He sets the duck on top of the biscuit tin on the bar and the duck begins dancing. 

The barman finds this rather interesting as do the rest of the punters in the pub. They all come round the duck and watch it for ages, and while doing so, buy more and more drink. By the end of the night the bar is full of people watching this amazing duck, still dancing and giving the odd quack now and again.  

The barman realizes that he hasn't had business this good in a long time. It is so good that he offers to buy the duck from the man to which the man agrees to sell for $500. The barman thinks it is a bit expensive but agrees to buy it anyhow. On selling the duck, the man goes home leaving a crowded pub watching his dancing duck.  

Later that night, the man gets a telephone call. It is the barman and he exclaims that the duck is a great success and that he has his money back in the amount of drink he has sold, but he says, “There is one thing. How do you get the duck to stop dancing?”  

The man replies, “Oooh simple! Just take the lid off the biscuit box and blow out the candle.”

Quote Of The Day: Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “When the day of Friday arrives there are angels upon the door of every mosque to record those who arrive in order and when the Imam sits to deliver the sermon they close their scrolls and come to listen to the remembrance. The example of one who arrives earliest is like one who offers a fine camel, then the next is like one who offers a cow, then the next is like one who offers a ram, then the next is like one who offers a chicken, then the next is like one who offers an egg.”  Source: Sahih Bukhari 887/3039, Sahih Muslim 850  Grade: Mutaffaqun Alayhi (authenticity agreed upon) according to Al-Bukhari and Imam Muslim

Sunday, 11 August 2013

Deaf Wife

Jim feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.   

The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.   

“Here's what you do,” said the Doctor, “Stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”   

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, “I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.” Then in a normal tone he asks,   “Honey, what's for dinner?” 

No response.   

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, “Honey, what's for dinner?”   

Still no response.   

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, “Honey, what's for dinner?”   

Again he gets no response.   

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. “Honey, what's for dinner?” 

Again there is no response.   

So he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what's for dinner?”   

(I just love this)           

“JIM, for the FIFTH fuckin' time, ‘CHICKEN’!”

Quote Of The Day: Narated by Abu Qatada Radi-Allahu 'anhu: I heard the Prophet Sallallahu 'Alaihi Wa 'Aalehi Wa Sallam saying, “A good dream is from Allah, and a bad dream is from Satan. So if anyone of you sees (in a dream) something he dislikes, when he gets up he should blow thrice (on his left side) and seek refuge with Allah from its evil for then it will not harm him.”

Monday, 5 August 2013

Labour Pains

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.  

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.  

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.  

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.  

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.  

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.  

When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.

Quote Of The Day: Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “When the son of Adam performs prostration, Satan withdraws weeping and says: Woe to me! He was commanded to prostrate and he prostrated, so he will go to Paradise. I was commanded to prostrate and I refused, so I will go to Hellfire.”  Source: Sahih Muslim 81  Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Imam Muslim