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Monday, 26 December 2011

Sex Shop

A young man went into a sex shop to buy some condoms, and a sales girl approached him.

Sales girl: Can I help you, Sir?

Young man: Yes, I want to buy some condoms.

Sales girl: What size do you need, Sir?

Young man: I didn't realize they came in different sizes. I don't know what size I would need.

Sales girl: May I hold your penis to tell what size you would need? As she was holding the penis, she called for assistance: "Give me a SMALL one... Wait! Make it MEDIUM...Wait! Make it LARGE... Shit! Give me a TISSUE !!!"


Tuesday, 4 October 2011

Your Duck is DEAD

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.   He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Monday, 26 September 2011


A cyclone hit a Kansas  farmhouse just before dawn one  morning.

It tore off the roof, and picked up the beds on which the  farmer and his wife slept were  sleeping.  By some miracle, the cyclone set them  down unharmed the next county  over.

The wife was sobbing uncontrollably.

"Don't be scared,  Mary," her husband said.
"We're not  hurt."

Mary continued to cry.  "I'm not scared."

She said between  sobs.  "I'm happy. This is the first time  in 14 years we've been out  together."

Monday, 5 September 2011

Sex In The Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. 

Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figures she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy. .
You explain the kids."

Tuesday, 5 July 2011

US Soldier

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hideunder your skirt. I'll explain later."

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, have you seen a soldier?

"He went that way", the nun answered

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said, "I understand completely."

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either."


A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.

"Hi, is Tony home?"

"No, he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

"No, come in."

They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

Saturday, 2 July 2011

A Cucumber, A Penis And An Olive

A cucumber, an olive and a penis are talking.

The cucumber says,“I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad.”

The olive says “That’s nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza.”

The penis says “You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw me in a cave, shut the door and leave me there till I throw up.”

Sunday, 19 June 2011

Women at Different Age

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?

At 8 — You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 — You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 — You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 — She tells you a story and takes you to bed

At 48 — She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 — You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 — If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!

Tuesday, 7 June 2011

Good Girls VS Bad Girls

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons

Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line

Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better

Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don't wear any

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls

Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms

Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it

Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed

Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place

Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do to, but only for starters

Good girls say no
Bad girls say when?

Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.
Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.

Bless Her Heart

Tuesday, 31 May 2011

Blonde Joke

An attractive blonde and a handsome man step into the same elevator.

The blonde sighs happily and says, "TGIF", and is surprised when the man replies, "SHIT."

The blonde thinks perhaps he didn't hear her correctly, so she repeats it once again, "TGIF," and once again the man replies, "S H I T."

Finally, the blonde explains, "Sir, TGIF = Thank God it's Friday."

Stepping out of the elevator, the man smirks and says, "S H I T = Sorry honey, it's Thursday."

Monday, 30 May 2011

The Old Lady

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Old Lady:
No, I didn’t stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
He began to rub all over of my body.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so ‘spicy’ that I just laid down and told him
‘Take me, young man. Take me now!’

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ‘ April Fool!’ And that’s when I shot him, the little custard

Durex vs Whisper

Durex condom says to Whisper pad,“when u work, I lose business for seven days.”

Whisper replies,“if you fail to work once, my business stops for 9 month.”

Tuesday, 24 May 2011


Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get
something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "oh! Dad, there's

"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed
the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey
dad, he's plenty big enough."

"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart
attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.

The son said, "now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

His And Her Diaries


I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing."
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him,
he simply smile and kept driving.
I can't explain his behaviour;
I don't know why he didn't say,
"I love you, too."
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him,
as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there and watched TV.
He seemed distant and absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed.
About 10 minutes later he came to bed.
I decided that I could not take it anymore,
so I decided to confront him with the situation
but he had fallen asleep.
I started crying and cried untill I too fell asleep.
I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.


Today Arsenal lost to Manchester United.
DAMN IT!!!!!&U^$%%^#$#&^* !!!!!!!!

Saturday, 21 May 2011

Husband And Wife

Husband: Do you know
the meaning of W I F E?

It means, Without Information, Fighting

Wife: No darling, it means, With Idiot For Ever


Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,

So I'd be in
your hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a

So I could have a new one everyday.


Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are
some sleeping pills..

Wife: When must I
give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you


Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you

Husband: You should have known it the minute
I asked you
to marry me.

************ *********

Husband: Today is
Sunday & I have to enjoy it..
So I bought 3 movie tickets.
Why Three?
Husband: For you and your parents


Wife: What will you give me if I climb the
great Mount Everest ?
Husband: A lovely Push...!!!


Q: What is the most effective way
to remember your wife's birthday?

A: Just forget it once and you
will never forget it again


After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,

know, I was a fool when I married you..

The husband replied,
"Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice

Friday, 20 May 2011

5 DON'TS when you are sleeping

Watches can emit a certain level of radioactivity. Though small, but if you wear your watch to bed for a long time, it might have adverse effects on your health.

Scientists in America have discovered those that wear bras for more than 12 hours have a higher risk of getting breast cancer. So go to bed without it.

Putting the phone beside your bed or anywhere near you is not encouraged. Though some of us will use phones as alarm clocks, but please put the phone as far as possible. Scientists have proved that electrical items including mobile phone and television sets emit magnetic waves when used. These waves can cause disruptions to our nervous system. Therefore if you need to put your mo! bile phone near you, switch it off first.

People who sleep with make up might have skin problems in the long run. Sleeping with make up will cause the skin to have difficulty in breathing and problem in perspiring. You will also need a much longer time to go into deep sleep.


You may never wake up again. :

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Thursday, 19 May 2011

Mr Bean Jokes

Interviewer : What is your birth date? 

Mr Bean : 13th October 

Interviewer : Which year? 

Mr Bean :  EVERY YEAR 


Manager asked Mr Bean at an interview. 

Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it? 

Mr Bean replyed: -P-O-S-T-B-O-X. 


After returning back from a foreign trip, Mr Bean asked his wife, “Do I look like a foreigner?” 

“No! Why?”

“In Delhi a lady asked me, ‘Are you a foreigner?’”


One tourist from U.S.A. asked Mr Bean, “Any great man born in this village?” 

“No sir, only small babies!”


Lecturer : Write a note on Gandhi Jayanthi.
So Mr Bean writes, ‘Gandi was a great man, but I don't know who is Jayanthi’.


When Mr Bean was traveling with his wife in an auto, the driver adjusted the mirror. Mr Bean shouted, “You are trying to see my wife? Sit behind. I will drive.”


Interviewer : Just imagine you are on the 3rd floor, it caught fire and how will you escape? 

Mr Bean : its simple. I will stop my imagination!


Mr Bean : My mobile bill how much?

Call centre girl : Sir, just dial 123 to know current bill status.  

Mr Bean : Stupid, not CURRENT BILL my MOBILE BILL. 


Mr Bean : I think that girl is deaf.

Friend : How do you know? 

Mr Bean : I told I love her, but she said her chappals are new.


Friend : I got a brand new Ford IKON for my wife! 

Mr Bean : Wow! That's an unbelievable exchange offer!


Teacher : Which is the oldest animal in world?
Mr Bean : ZEBRA.  

Teacher : How?

Mr Bean: Bcoz it is black and white.


Mr Bean attending an interview in Software Company.
Manager : Do you know MS Office? 

Mr Bean : If you give me the address I will go there sir.

Mr Bean in airplane going to Bombay. While its landing he shouted, “Birmingham, Birmingham.” 
Air hostess said, “B silent.”

“Ok. Irmingham. Irmingham.”


Teacher : What is common between JESUS, KRISHNA, RAM, GANDHI and BUDDHA?

Mr Bean : All are born on government holidays.


Sir : What is difference between Orange and Apple?
Mr Bean : Color of Orange is orange, but color of Apple is not APPLE.

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Arab student sends an e-mail

Arab student sends an e-mail to his dad saying :
Dear dad,
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am bit ashamed to arrive to my college with my Gold Mercedes, when all my teachers travel by train.

Your Son,

Sometime later Nasser gets reply to his e-mail from his Dad :

Loving son,
Twenty million dollars transferred to your account, please stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too.
Your Dad,


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Wednesday, 18 May 2011

A Good Lawyer

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
> 一天下午,有一个富有的律师在途中,看见两个人在路边吃草。

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
> 他觉得有点困扰,就吩咐司机停车。接着他下车查探。

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
> 他问其中一人, “ 为何你们在吃草? ”

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied,"We have to eat grass."
> 那人答, “ 我们没有钱买食物,所以我们要吃草。 ”

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
> “ 那么,你可以来我家,我给你吃的。 ” 律师说。

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
> “ 可是我还有妻子及两个孩子,他们都在那边的树下。 ”

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
> “ 带他们一起来吧。 ” 律师说道。

Turning to the other poor man he stated,"you come with us also."
> 他转向另一个人说, “ 你也一起来吧。 ”

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir,I also have a wife
and six children with me."
> 那人说, “ 可是我也有妻子及六个孩子啊。 ”

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
> “ 把他们也一起带上。 ” 律师答。

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as
the limousine was.
> 虽然那是一部大房车,他们也费了九牛二虎之力,全部人才能上车。

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,"Sir,
you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
> 途中,其中一人说, “ 先生,你真是一个大好人,谢谢你把我们全部人带来。 ”

The lawyer replied, "glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 metre high."
> 律师回答, “ 我感到很荣幸。你们肯定喜欢我的地方,那里的草足足有一米高。

Tuesday, 17 May 2011

Can I Go Home

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. 
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she considered her to be mentally stable. 

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "he didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Tuesday, 12 April 2011

Miss Universe

It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists, Miss USA , Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore are being asked 3 simple questions.

MC : The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting with 'L'.

Miss USA : Lamp.

Miss Malaysia : Light bulb.

Miss Singapore : Ladio.

Judge : No, no, radio does not start with the letter 'L'.

MC : I am going to give you 3 more chances. Now, name me an animal starting with the letter 'L'.

Miss USA : Lion.

Miss Malaysia : Leopard.

Miss Singapore : Labbit.

Judge : No, no, no.

MC : Your next chance. The name of a famous car that starts with 'L'.

Miss USA : Lexus.

Miss Malaysia : Lamborgini.

Miss Singapore : Lolls-Loyce.

Judge : Oh my God.

MC : I am going to give you one last chance. Name me a fruit starting with the letter 'L'.

Miss USA : Lemon.

Miss Malaysia : Lychee.

Miss Singapore (with full of confidence, smiles and says) : Liewlian (durian).

This is not the end of the story, the judge consulted the board of judges to determine if Miss Singapore should really be disqualified and they decided that since Miss Singapore was having so many problems with the letter 'L', they decided to give her another chance.

Judge : Okey, the final question is, name me a human anatomy starting with the letter 'L'.

Miss USA : Lung (applause).

Miss Malaysia : Liver (even more applause).

Miss Singapore : Lan Ciau.