Taxi Driver

                                           

Three men were drunk and they stopped a taxi. The taxi driver figured that they were not in their right minds, so he just switched on the engine and switched it off after a while and told them, "we have arrived."


                                

The first man gave him money. The second one thanked him.
 but the third one, he slapped the taxi driver.

The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them must have realized that the car didn’t move an inch.

So, he asked the third man: "what was that for?"

The third man replied, "control your speed next time you got here so quick you almost killed us."

__._,_

Sex Shop

A young man went into a sex shop to buy some condoms, and a sales girl approached him.

Sales girl: Can I help you, Sir?

Young man: Yes, I want to buy some condoms.

Sales girl: What size do you need, Sir?

Young man: I didn't realize they came in different sizes. I don't know what size I would need.

Sales girl: May I hold your penis to tell what size you would need? As she was holding the penis, she called for assistance: "Give me a SMALL one... Wait! Make it MEDIUM...Wait! Make it LARGE... Shit! Give me a TISSUE !!!"

     

Dear Salary, Why are you not growing?

I Swear I Love You

Your Duck is DEAD

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
 
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.   He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
 
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
 
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Cyclone

A cyclone hit a Kansas  farmhouse just before dawn one  morning.

It tore off the roof, and picked up the beds on which the  farmer and his wife slept were  sleeping.  By some miracle, the cyclone set them  down unharmed the next county  over.

The wife was sobbing uncontrollably.

"Don't be scared,  Mary," her husband said.
"We're not  hurt."

Mary continued to cry.  "I'm not scared."

She said between  sobs.  "I'm happy. This is the first time  in 14 years we've been out  together."

Sex In The Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. 

Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figures she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy. .
You explain the kids."