US Soldier

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hideunder your skirt. I'll explain later."

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, have you seen a soldier?

"He went that way", the nun answered

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said, "I understand completely."

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either."

RM200

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.

"Hi, is Tony home?"

"No, he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

"No, come in."

They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

A Cucumber, A Penis And An Olive

A cucumber, an olive and a penis are talking.

The cucumber says,“I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad.”

The olive says “That’s nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza.”

The penis says “You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw me in a cave, shut the door and leave me there till I throw up.”

Police

A Missouri Sheriff stops at a ranch in rural MO and talks
with an old farmer.

He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your ranch for
illegally grown drugs.'

The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over
there.'

The Sheriff verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the
authority of the Sheriffs Department with me!!!.' Reaching
into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The
officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge?
This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish..on any
land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made
myself clear!!!!? Do you understand!!!!?'

The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and sees the
Sheriff running for his life and close behind is the
farmer's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on
the officer. The Sheriff is clearly terrified.

The old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to
the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge! Show him your badge !!"

Daddy