Wednesday, 23 May 2012
Monday, 14 May 2012
What's wrong?
Little Johnny comes downstairs crying. His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?”
“Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer,” said little Johnny through his tears.
“That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you just laugh?
“I did!” sobbed Johnny.
Friday, 4 May 2012
Old Lady In Court
Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
Thursday, 3 May 2012
Laugh If Its Funny
Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner. Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching
the game.
"Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don't fix it the food will go bad." Kate said.
Paul yells back, "Who do I look like the GE man, I think not."
A little while later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it's out."
"Who do I look like an electrician, I think not, " Paul says.
A few minutes later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it."
Paul quickly replies, "Who do I look like a carpenter, I think not."
Frustrated, he gets up and leaves. He decides to go to a bar down the road. After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife so he went on home.
He comes up the porch and realizes that the step is fixed. He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed. He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the fridge was fixed.
Paul sees his wife and says, "Babe, how did you fix all this?"
She looked at him and said, "Well after you left I began to cry on the porch. A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying and he asked me what he could do to help. He fixed everything. I asked him what I could do for payment. He said I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him."
Paul says, "Well, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
Kate looks at him and replies, "Who do I look like Betty Crocker, I think not!"
"Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don't fix it the food will go bad." Kate said.
Paul yells back, "Who do I look like the GE man, I think not."
A little while later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it's out."
"Who do I look like an electrician, I think not, " Paul says.
A few minutes later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it."
Paul quickly replies, "Who do I look like a carpenter, I think not."
Frustrated, he gets up and leaves. He decides to go to a bar down the road. After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife so he went on home.
He comes up the porch and realizes that the step is fixed. He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed. He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the fridge was fixed.
Paul sees his wife and says, "Babe, how did you fix all this?"
She looked at him and said, "Well after you left I began to cry on the porch. A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying and he asked me what he could do to help. He fixed everything. I asked him what I could do for payment. He said I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him."
Paul says, "Well, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
Kate looks at him and replies, "Who do I look like Betty Crocker, I think not!"
Light Weight Jokes
Rocket to Moon
On the first night of honeymoon the wife crazy husband says, "My sweet darling, I am going to take you to moon tonight."
The impatient wife says, "Sure, but first at least let's see the rocket to get there."
Period of Patience
Dad went to school for getting the report card for his son in the middle of the class and had to wait long. So he got impatient and asked the lady teacher, " Madame, When will you give it to me then?"
The smiling teacher says, "After my period is over for sure sir."
Test By Puncture
A Santa meets Banta in a hospital and expresses surprise, "What are you here for?"
Banta says, "I am here for blood test and these idiots are going to puncture my finger."
Santa started crying, "Oh my God, I am here for urine test and I am too young yet, what will happened to me?"
Gossiping Gurkhas
A Gurkha guard boasts to other, "You know, when I was small, that Victoria Tower fell down upon me."
So the second Gurkha guard inquired, "Hey why? Did it kill you then?"
The puzzled first one says, "I don't remember, I was too young then."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)