City Workers

Two guys were working for the city. One would furiously dig a hole, then the other would come behind him and quickly fill the hole. They were drenched in sweat. A man watching from the sidewalk couldn’t believe how hard they were working, but also couldn’t understand what they were doing. 

Finally he said, “I’m confused. You dig a hole and then your partner comes behind you and fills it up again.”

The digger leaned on his shovel and replied, “Oh yeah, it must look funny. You see, the lazy jackass who plants the trees is sick again today.”

Husband Smart But Wife Smarter

 

A man called home to his wife and said, “Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.”

“Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas.”

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home, a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, “Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?”





You'll love the answer. 
The wife replied,




 

“I did. They're in your fishing box.”

Oh My English

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes, but the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes. 

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice, yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.  

If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen? 
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?  

Then one may be that, and there would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose. 
We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!  

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger. Neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England.  

We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?        

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? 

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?        

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?  

We ship by truck but send cargo by ship. We have noses that run and feet that smell. We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway. And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?        

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language In which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.  And in closing..........  

If Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop.???

Speaking German In Texas

Near Fredericksburg, Texas, where there is a large German-speaking population, a farmer walking down a country road notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand.

The farmer shouted, “Trink das wasser nicht. die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.”

Which means: “Don't drink the water, the cows have pooped in it.”

The man should back, “I'm from New York, and just down here campaigning for Obama's heath care plan. I can't understand you. Please speak in English.”

The farmer replied, “Use two hands , you'll get more.”

Kid And His Mom

Little kid and his mom at wedding party.

Kid : Mommy, why does the girl wear white?

Mom : Because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life.

Kid :  Well then, why is the boy wearing black?

In The Army

The Captain called the Sergeant in. “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.” So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.

“Listen up, men,” says the Sergeant. “Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.”

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. “Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?”

“Yes, sir,” answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.” So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. “Ok, men, fall in and listen up.”

“Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward.” “Not so fast, McGrath!”

Flat Tummy

A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad  bouncing up and down. 

The mom see's her son and quickly dismounts, worried  about what her son has seen. She dress's quickly and goes to find him. The  son see's his mom and asks, “What were you and dad doing?”

The mother replies “Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I  have to get on top of it to help flatten it.”

 “You're wasting your time,” says the boy.

 “Why is that?” asked him mom, puzzled.
 
“Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her  knees and blows it right back up.”

Saying The Right Thing

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian.”

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son, what happened last night?”

“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”

His son replies, “Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'”

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

The Beautiful Girl At Customs

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favour?”

“Of course you may. What can I do for you?”

“Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid that they'll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”

When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”

The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, “God bless you, Father, go ahead."

3 Men And A Bridge

One day 3 men were walking across this bridge; an American, a Mexican, and a Frenchie. When they got to the middle of the bridge, the Frenchie stopped, pulled a bottle of wine out of his pack, and threw it over the bridge.

The Mexican & the American both yelled out, “What the hell did you do that for?" The Frenchie just shrugged and said, “We've got too much of that in our country.”

The Mexican, catching the Frenchies drift, pulled out a bottle of Tequila and threw it over the bridge. The American and the Frenchie both yelled out, “What the hell did you do that for?”

The Mexican shrugged and said, “We have too many of that in our country.”

Now, the American thought for a long time, and finally, he picked up the Mexican and threw him into the water. The Frenchie looked at him in dis belief and said, “Why in gods name did you do that?" and the American replied, “We've got too many of those in our country.”