The Foul-Mouthed Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. 

John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to “clean up” the bird’s vocabulary. 

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. 

John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. 

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.” 

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, “May I ask what the turkey did?”

Monkey In The Plane

Once in Brazil a plane crashed, only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive. Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply in actions. The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.   

Officer: When the plane took off what were the travelers doing? 

Monkey: Tying their belts. 

Officer:  What were the air hostesses doing? 

Monkey: Saying Hello! Good morning! 

Officer: What were the pilots doing? 

Monkey: Checking the system. 

Officer: What were you doing? Monkey: Looking for my people.  

Officer: After 10 minutes what were the travelers doing? 

Monkey: Having beverages and snacks. 

Officer: What were the air hostesses doing? 

Monkey: Serving the travelers. 

Officer: What were the pilots doing? 

Monkey: Handling the steering. 

Officer: What were you doing? 

Monkey: Eating and throwing.  

Officer: After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing? 

Monkey: Some were sleeping and some were reading. 

Officer: What were the air hostesses doing? 

Monkey: Make up. Officer: What were the pilots doing? 

Monkey: Handling the steering. 

Officer: What were you doing? 

Monkey: Nothing.  

Officer: Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing? 

Monkey: All were sleeping. 

Officer: What were the pilots doing? 

Monkey: Handling the air hostess. 

Officer: What were you doing? 

Monkey: Handling the steering!  

No more questions!

Blonde Gets A Bank Loan

A blonde woman walks into a bank in Manhattan and asks for the loan officer.  

She says she’s going to Japan on business for three weeks and needs to borrow $3,000.  

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title, and everything checks out.  

The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $110K car as collateral against such a small loan.  

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank’s secure garage and parks it there.  

Three weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $3000 plus interest, which amounted to $17.38.  

The loan officer asks, “Mam, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very well, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are very wealthy. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $3000?”  

The blonde replied, “Where else in Manhattan can I park my car for three weeks for under $20 and expect it to be there when I return?” 

[Not all blondes are dumb.] 

Spaghetti

This Is Business

Two Men Chatting

Two men chatting. “Do you look at your your wife's face when you have s@x?” 

“I did once and she looked really angry.” 

“Why angry?”

“Coz she was watching from the window.”