You’ve Got Mail!

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. 

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. 

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?” 

To which she replied, “There certainly is!” 

My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”

Quote Of The Day: Abu Musa Al-Ashari reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Whoever loves his worldly life will suffer in his Hereafter, and whoever loves his Hereafter will suffer in his worldly life; so prefer that which endures over that which is fleeting.”  Source: Musnad Ahmad 19198  Grade: Hasan (fair) according to Ibn Hajar

Stanley Cup Final

 


It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. 

“No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.”  

“This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?”  

The neighbor says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married.”  

“Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?” 

The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral.”

Quote Of The Day: Abu Musa reported: The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Every eye can commit adultery, and the woman who adorns herself with fragrances and passes by an assembly of men is such-and-such,” and he spoke very sternly.  Source: Sunan At-Tirmidhi 2786; Sunan Abu Dawud 4173  Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to At-Tirmidhi

Blonde Paint Job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. 

“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?” asked the owner. 

The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” 

The man agreed and told her the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?” 

The man replied, “She should, she was standing on it.” 

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. 

“You’re finished already?” he asked. 

“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” 

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50, gave it to her and said he’d call her whenever he had another job for her to do. 

The blond thanked him and, as she was walking back down the path, she called out, “And by the way, I know everybody thinks blondes are stupid, but I thought you should know that it’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

Quote Of The Day: Abu Musa reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Verily, Allah the Exalted has made lawful silk and gold for the women of my nation, but he has forbidden them for men.”  Source: Sunan An-Nasa’i 5265  Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to As-Suyuti

Powder Viagra

  

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, “Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.” 

The doctor smiled and said, “Have you tried to give him Viagra?”  

The lady frowned. 

“Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.

“Well,” the doctor continued, “let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.”  

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor’s office quickly.  

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.  

“How did it go?” the doctor asked.  

“Terribly, doctor, terribly.”  

“Did it not work?”  

“Yes,” the old lady said, “It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.”  

“Then what is the problem, ma’am?”  

“Well,” she said. “I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.”

Quote Of The Day: Jabir reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Verily, Iblees placed his throne over the water and then he sends out his detachments. The nearest to him are the greatest at causing tribulations. One of them says: I have done such-and-such. Iblees says: You have done nothing. Another one says: I did not leave so-and-so until I caused discord between him and his wife. Iblees says: You have done well.”  Source: Sahih Muslim 2813  Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Imam Muslim

Selling Lettuce

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The shop assisant said he would go ask his manager about the matter. 

He said to his manager, “There’s some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce.” As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “and this gentleman wants to buy the other half.” 

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. 

Later the manager called on the boy and said, “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?” 

The boy replied, “Minnesota sir.” 

“Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota” asked the manager. 

The boy replied, “They’re all just whores and hockey players up there.” 

“Really?,” replied the manager, “My wife is from Minnesota!!” 

The boy replied, “No kidding! What team did she play for?”

Quote Of The Day: Abu Usaid reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “When one of you enters the mosque, then let him say: O Allah, open for me the doors of your mercy. When he leaves, then let him say: O Allah, verily, I ask you for your favor.”  Source: Sahih Muslim 713  Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Imam Muslim

Gas Men

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. 

At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. 

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. 

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. 

Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I’d better run too!”

Quote Of The Day: Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “When a Muslim or a believer washes his face in ablution, then every sin which he committed with his eyes will be washed away with the last drop of water; when he washes his hands, then every sin which he committed with his hands will be washed away with the last drop of water; and when he washes his feet, then every sin which he committed with his feet will be washed away with the last drop of water until he emerges purified from sin.”  Source: Sahih Muslim 244  Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Imam Muslim

Betting

A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o’clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn’t jump, and the redhead replied, “I’ll take that bet.”  

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, “I can’t take this, you’re my friend.” The blonde said, “No. A bet’s a bet.”  

So the redhead said, “Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o’clock news, so I can’t take your money.”  

The blonde replied, “Well, so did I, but I never thought he’d jump again.”

Quote Of The Day: Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, asked, “Do you know who the bankrupt are?” They said, “The one without money or goods is bankrupt.” So the Prophet said, “The bankrupt are those from my nation who come on the Day of Resurrection with prayer, fasting, and charity, but comes also insulting, slandering, consuming wealth, shedding blood, and beating others. They will each be given from his good deeds; if his good deeds run out before the score is settled, their bad deeds will be cast upon him, then he will be thrown into the Hellfire.”  Source: Sahih Muslim 4678  Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Imam Muslim

Miracle

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. 

About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, “I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.”

“Do you think it will work?” she asks.  

“It's worth a try,” he says. 

So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, “Father, you're not going to believe this.”  

“What?” asks the priest, “what happened?”  

“You gave birth to a child.”  

“But that's impossible.” says the priest.  

“I just did the operation,” insists the doctor, “it's a miracle! Here's your baby.”  

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says, “Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father.” 

The son says, “What do you mean, you're not my father?” 

The priest replies, “I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.”

Quote Of The Day: Sahl ibn Sa’d reported: The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Verily, Allah is generous and He loves generosity. He loves nobility of character and He detests vanity.”  Source: Al-Mustadrak ‘ala as-Saheehain 157  Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to As-Suyuti

Baby Names

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and goes into a coma.

After nearly six months, she wakes up to find that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, “Ma‘am, you had twins. A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them, if you don't mind me saying he does seem a bit of a redneck.”

The woman thinks to herself, “Oh no, not my brother.” Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, “Well, what's the girl's name?”

“Denise,” the doctor says.

The new mother thinks, “Wow, that's not such a bad name. I like Denise.”

Then she asks the doctor, “What's the boy's name”

The doctor replies, “DeNephew.”

Quote Of The Day: Anas ibn Malik reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “There are three qualities of noble character in the sight of Allah.” It was said, “O Messenger of Allah, what are they?” He said, “It is that you forgive those who wrong you, that you give to those who deprive you, and that you maintain relations with those who abandon you.”  Source: Al-Jami’ As-Sagheer  Grade: Hasan (fair) according to As-Suyuti

Why Planning Is Important?

Why planning is important?  

One night four college students were playing till late night and could not study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.  

In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.  

So the Dean said they could have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.  

On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.  

The test consisted of 2 questions with a total of 100 Marks.  

See below for the question paper.  

Q.1. Your Name…….. ……… 
(2 MARKS)  

Q.2. Which tyre burst? 
(98 MARKS)  

a) Front left
b) Front right 
c) Back left 
d) Back right

Quote Of The Day: Ibn Umar reported: Two men came to the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, and they said, “O Messenger of Allah, which of the people are most beloved to Allah? And which deeds are most beloved to Allah?” The Messenger of Allah said, “The people most beloved to Allah are those who are most beneficial to the people; and the most beloved deed to Allah is to make a Muslim happy, or remove one of his troubles, or to forgive his debt, or to satiate his hunger, or to walk with his brother regarding a need; and the most beloved to me is that I seclude myself in this mosque (meaning the mosque in Medina) for a month; and whoever swallows his anger, then Allah will conceal his faults; and whoever suppresses his rage, even though he could fulfill his anger if he wished, then Allah will secure his heart on the Day of Resurrection; and whoever walks with his brother regarding a need until he secures it for him, then Allah the Exalted will make his footing firm across the bridge on the day when the footings are shaken.”  [At-Tabarani, Mu’jam Al-Awsat, Number 6192, Hasan]