Blonde Joke

An attractive blonde and a handsome man step into the same elevator.

The blonde sighs happily and says, "TGIF", and is surprised when the man replies, "SHIT."

The blonde thinks perhaps he didn't hear her correctly, so she repeats it once again, "TGIF," and once again the man replies, "S H I T."

Finally, the blonde explains, "Sir, TGIF = Thank God it's Friday."

Stepping out of the elevator, the man smirks and says, "S H I T = Sorry honey, it's Thursday."

The Old Lady

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Old Lady:
No, I didn’t stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
He began to rub all over of my body.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so ‘spicy’ that I just laid down and told him
‘Take me, young man. Take me now!’

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ‘ April Fool!’ And that’s when I shot him, the little custard

Durex vs Whisper

Durex condom says to Whisper pad,“when u work, I lose business for seven days.”

Whisper replies,“if you fail to work once, my business stops for 9 month.”

Cannibals

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get
something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "oh! Dad, there's
one."

"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed
the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey
dad, he's plenty big enough."

"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart
attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.

The son said, "now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

His And Her Diaries

HER DIARY

I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing."
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him,
he simply smile and kept driving.
I can't explain his behaviour;
I don't know why he didn't say,
"I love you, too."
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him,
as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there and watched TV.
He seemed distant and absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed.
About 10 minutes later he came to bed.
I decided that I could not take it anymore,
so I decided to confront him with the situation
but he had fallen asleep.
I started crying and cried untill I too fell asleep.
I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.


HIS DIARY

Today Arsenal lost to Manchester United.
DAMN IT!!!!!&U^$%%^#$#&^* !!!!!!!!

Husband And Wife

Husband: Do you know
the meaning of W I F E?

It means, Without Information, Fighting
Everytime!

Wife: No darling, it means, With Idiot For Ever


************
*********

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,

So I'd be in
your hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a
newspaper,

So I could have a new one everyday.


************
*********

Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are
some sleeping pills..


Wife: When must I
give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you


************
*********

Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you
are.

Husband: You should have known it the minute
I asked you
to marry me.


************ *********

Husband: Today is
Sunday & I have to enjoy it..
So I bought 3 movie tickets.
Wife:
Why Three?
Husband: For you and your parents


************
*********




Wife: What will you give me if I climb the
great Mount Everest ?
Husband: A lovely Push...!!!


************
*********

Q: What is the most effective way
to remember your wife's birthday?

A: Just forget it once and you
will never forget it again


************
*********

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,

You
know, I was a fool when I married you..

The husband replied,
"Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice

5 DON'TS when you are sleeping

1 - DON'T SLEEP WITH WATCH
Watches can emit a certain level of radioactivity. Though small, but if you wear your watch to bed for a long time, it might have adverse effects on your health.

2 - DON'T SLEEP WITH BRA
Scientists in America have discovered those that wear bras for more than 12 hours have a higher risk of getting breast cancer. So go to bed without it.

3 - DON'T SLEEP WITH PHONE
Putting the phone beside your bed or anywhere near you is not encouraged. Though some of us will use phones as alarm clocks, but please put the phone as far as possible. Scientists have proved that electrical items including mobile phone and television sets emit magnetic waves when used. These waves can cause disruptions to our nervous system. Therefore if you need to put your mo! bile phone near you, switch it off first.

4 - DON'T SLEEP WITH MAKE UP
People who sleep with make up might have skin problems in the long run. Sleeping with make up will cause the skin to have difficulty in breathing and problem in perspiring. You will also need a much longer time to go into deep sleep.

Lastly.....

5 - DON'T SLEEP WITH OTHERS' WIFE / HUSBAND
You may never wake up again. :




















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Mr Bean Jokes

Interviewer : What is your birth date? 

Mr Bean : 13th October 

Interviewer : Which year? 

Mr Bean :  EVERY YEAR 

*******

Manager asked Mr Bean at an interview. 

Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it? 

Mr Bean replyed: -P-O-S-T-B-O-X. 

*******

After returning back from a foreign trip, Mr Bean asked his wife, “Do I look like a foreigner?” 

“No! Why?”

“In Delhi a lady asked me, ‘Are you a foreigner?’”

*******

One tourist from U.S.A. asked Mr Bean, “Any great man born in this village?” 

“No sir, only small babies!”

*******

Lecturer : Write a note on Gandhi Jayanthi.
  
So Mr Bean writes, ‘Gandi was a great man, but I don't know who is Jayanthi’.

*******

When Mr Bean was traveling with his wife in an auto, the driver adjusted the mirror. Mr Bean shouted, “You are trying to see my wife? Sit behind. I will drive.”

*******

Interviewer : Just imagine you are on the 3rd floor, it caught fire and how will you escape? 

Mr Bean : its simple. I will stop my imagination!

*******

Mr Bean : My mobile bill how much?

Call centre girl : Sir, just dial 123 to know current bill status.  

Mr Bean : Stupid, not CURRENT BILL my MOBILE BILL. 

*******

Mr Bean : I think that girl is deaf.

Friend : How do you know? 

Mr Bean : I told I love her, but she said her chappals are new.

*******

Friend : I got a brand new Ford IKON for my wife! 

Mr Bean : Wow! That's an unbelievable exchange offer!

*******

Teacher : Which is the oldest animal in world?
 
Mr Bean : ZEBRA.  

Teacher : How?

Mr Bean: Bcoz it is black and white.

******* 

Mr Bean attending an interview in Software Company.
 
Manager : Do you know MS Office? 

Mr Bean : If you give me the address I will go there sir.

*******
  
Mr Bean in airplane going to Bombay. While its landing he shouted, “Birmingham, Birmingham.” 
 
Air hostess said, “B silent.”

“Ok. Irmingham. Irmingham.”

*******

Teacher : What is common between JESUS, KRISHNA, RAM, GANDHI and BUDDHA?

Mr Bean : All are born on government holidays.

*******  

Sir : What is difference between Orange and Apple?
 
Mr Bean : Color of Orange is orange, but color of Apple is not APPLE.


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Arab student sends an e-mail

Arab student sends an e-mail to his dad saying :
 
Dear dad,
 
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am bit ashamed to arrive to my college with my Gold Mercedes, when all my teachers travel by train.

Your Son,
Nasser

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sometime later Nasser gets reply to his e-mail from his Dad :

Loving son,
 
Twenty million dollars transferred to your account, please stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too.
 
Your Dad,
Al-Saud



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A Good Lawyer

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
> 一天下午，有一个富有的律师在途中，看见两个人在路边吃草。

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
> 他觉得有点困扰，就吩咐司机停车。接着他下车查探。

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
> 他问其中一人， “ 为何你们在吃草？ ”

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied,"We have to eat grass."
> 那人答， “ 我们没有钱买食物，所以我们要吃草。 ”

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
> “ 那么，你可以来我家，我给你吃的。 ” 律师说。

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
> “ 可是我还有妻子及两个孩子，他们都在那边的树下。 ”

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
> “ 带他们一起来吧。 ” 律师说道。

Turning to the other poor man he stated,"you come with us also."
> 他转向另一个人说， “ 你也一起来吧。 ”

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir,I also have a wife
and six children with me."
> 那人说， “ 可是我也有妻子及六个孩子啊。 ”

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
> “ 把他们也一起带上。 ” 律师答。

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as
the limousine was.
> 虽然那是一部大房车，他们也费了九牛二虎之力，全部人才能上车。

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,"Sir,
you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
> 途中，其中一人说， “ 先生，你真是一个大好人，谢谢你把我们全部人带来。 ”

The lawyer replied, "glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 metre high."
> 律师回答， “ 我感到很荣幸。你们肯定喜欢我的地方，那里的草足足有一米高。

Can I Go Home

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. 
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she considered her to be mentally stable. 

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "he didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"