Gun Control

Barack Obama at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas, asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence. 

Then he said into the microphone, “Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.” 

Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said, “Well, dumb-ass, stop clapping!” 

Quote Of The Day: Abu Huraira reported: A man came to the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, and he complained about the hardness of his heart. The Messenger of Allah said to him, “If you intend to soften your heart, then feed the poor and pat the head of the orphan.”  [Musnad Ahmad, Number 7522, Hasan]

Who Knocked Up My Bear?

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling. 

“I've never been better,” he boasted, “'I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child. What do you think about that?” 

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.” The doctor continued, “So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him. He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?” the doctor queried. 

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, “No, what?” 

The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him.”  

“That's impossible,” exclaimed the old man. “Someone else must of shot the bear.”  

“That's kind of what I'm getting at,” replied the doctor.

Quote Of The Day: Mahmud ibn Labeed reported: The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Two things are hated by the son of Adam: he hates death although death is better for the believer than suffering tribulations (al-fitnah), and he hates having little wealth although less wealth means he will have an easier reckoning.”  [Musnad Ahmad, Number 23113, Sahih]

Once There Was A Blonde Who Wanted To Prove...

Once there was a blonde who wanted to prove to people that she wasn't just a dumb blonde. So she asked her friend, “how could I show people I'm not just a dumb blonde?” 

Her friend says, “First learn all the provinces and their capitals.” 

So that week the blonde learned them. The next week she was at a party and a man asked a question. 

The blonde says, “I know the anwser.” 

Then the man said “What would you know? You're just a dumb blonde?” 

Then the blonde says, “I'll have you know I'm not just a dumb blonde, I know all the provinces and their capitals.” 

Then the man said, “Okay, Saskatchewan.” 

The blonde started to grin. 

“What are you grinning about?” said the man. 

The blonde said, “Easy. S.”

Quote Of The Day: Narrated Ibn 'Abbas: Allah's Apostle entered upon sick man to pay him a visit, and said to him, “Don't worry, Allah willing, (your sickness will be) an expiation for your sins.” The man said, “No, it is but a fever that is boiling within an old man and will send him to his grave.” On that, the Prophet said, “Then yes, it is so.”

Pre-Med Upstart

As a pre-med student at Washington University in St. Louis, I had to take a difficult class in physics. 

One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask, “Why do we have to learn this stuff?” 

“To save lives,” The professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. 

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. “So how does physics save lives?” he persisted. 

“It usually keeps the idiots like you out of medical school,” replied the professor.

Quote Of The Day: Narrated Abu Sa'id Al-Khudri and Abu Huraira:  The Prophet said, “No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, but that Allah expiates some of his sins for that.” 

Blonde In A Library

A blonde walks into a library and says to the librarian, “Can I have a burger and fries?”  

“Sorry, this is a library.”   

So the blonde whispers, “Oh, sorry. May I have a burger and fries?” 

Quote Of The Day: Narrated 'Abdullah bin 'Umar:  That he had divorced his wife while she was menstruating during the lifetime of Allah's Apostle. 'Umar bin Al-Khattab asked Allah's Apostle about that. Allah's Apostle said, “Order him (your son) to take her back and keep her till she is clean and then to wait till she gets her next period and becomes clean again, whereupon, if he wishes to keep her, he can do so, and if he wishes to divorce her he can divorce her before having sexual intercourse with her; and that is the prescribed period which Allah has fixed for the women meant to be divorced.” 

Forget About It

An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.  

When they get home, the wife says, “Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?”  

“Nonsense,” says the husband, “I can remember a dish of ice cream.”  

“Well,” says the wife, “I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it.”  

“My memory's not all that bad,” says the husband. “No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down.”  

He goes into the kitchen, his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.  

She looks at the plate and asks, “Hey, where's the toast I asked for?”

Quote Of The Day: Narrated Abu Huraira: Whenever a meal was brought to Allah's Apostle, he would ask whether it was a gift or Sadaqa (something given in charity). If he was told that it was Sadaqa, he would tell his companions to eat it, but if it was a gift, he would hurry to share it with them.

Little Johnny, Quit Bugging Me

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, “No honey for you for one month!”  

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. “That's it! No butter for you for one month!” says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.  

Little Johnny looks at his father and says, “Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?”

Quote Of The Day: Narrated Abdullah bin Masud:  I asked Allah's Apostle, “O Allah's Apostle! What is the best deed?” He replied, “To offer the prayers at their early stated fixed times.” I asked, “What is next in goodness?” He replied, “To be good and dutiful to your parents.” I further asked, what is next in goodness?” He replied, “To participate in Jihad in Allah's Cause.” I did not ask Allah's Apostle anymore and if I had asked him more, he would have told me more.

Headaches And Sex

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. 

“Listen,” says the doc, “I have migraines too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks.” 

Six weeks later, the patient returns  with a big grin. “Doc, I took our advice and it works!  It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me.” 

“Well,” says the physician, “I'm glad I could help.” 

“By the way, Doc,” the patient adds, “You have a REALLY nice house.”

Quote Of The Day: Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet said, “Allah did not send any prophet but shepherded sheep.” His companions asked him, “Did you do the same?” The Prophet replied, “Yes, I used to shepherd the sheep of the people of Mecca for some Qirats.”

Bullfight Buffet

A man goes to Spain and attends a bullfight. Afterwards he goes to a nearby restaurant and orders the specialty of the day. 

The waiter brings him two very big balls on a huge plate, which the tourist eats with relish. 

The next day he goes to the same restaurant again, once again orders the specialty of the day, and he is brought two very big balls on a huge plate. It tastes even more scrumptious. 

The third day he does the same and the fourth, but on the fifth day he goes to the restaurant and orders the specialty of the day, and they bring him two very small balls on a big plate. 

The man asks, “What gives?” 

And the waiter says, “Senor, the bullfighter doesn't always win!”

Quote Of The Day: Narrated Abu Musa Al-Ash'ari:  The Prophet said, “Give food to the hungry, pay a visit to the sick and release (set free) the one in captivity (by paying his ransom).”

Natchitoches

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.  

They went back and forth until they stopped for lunch. 

At the counter, one tourist asked the employee, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?”  

The guy leaned over the counter and said, “Burrr-gerrr Kiiing.”

Quote Of The Day: Narrated Abu Huraira:  The Prophet said, “There is no disease that Allah has created, except that He also has created its treatment.”

Lucky Driver

A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.  

“What are you going to do with the prize money?” the officer asks.  

The man responds, “I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license.”  

His wife says, “Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk.”  

The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, “I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car.”  

Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, “Are we over the border yet?”

Quote Of The Day: Yahya related to me from Malik from Muhammad ibn Yahya ibn Habban from al-Araj from Abu Hurayra that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “Do not ask for a woman in marriage when another muslim has already done so.”