Nurse Jokes

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital. 

“How are you, grandpa?” he asks. 

“Feeling fine,” says the old man.  

“What's the food like?”  

“Terrific, wonderful menus.”

“And the nursing?” 

“Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you.” 

“What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?”  

“No problem, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. And that's it. I go out like a light.”  

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. 

“What are you people doing,” he says, “I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?” 

“Oh, yes,” replies the Sister. “Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.”

*******

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.  

“She's incredibly mixed up,” said one doctor. “She does everything absolutely backwards.  Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!” 

The second doctor said, “That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours.  She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!”  

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. 

“Oh my God!” said the first doctor, “I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!”

*******

A nursing assistant, floor nurse, and charge nurse from a small nursing home were taking a lunch break in the break room. In walks a lady dressed in silk scarfs and wearing large polished stoned jewlery.  

“I am ‘Gina the Great’,” stated the lady. “I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of my aunt that I will now grant the next three wishes!” With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit and bottles of drink, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes before any of the nurses could think otherwise.  

The nurses quickly aurgued among themselves as to which one would ask for the first wish. Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first. “I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with single, well-built men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need.” 

With a puff of smoke, the nursing assistant was gone. The floor nurse went next. “I wish I were rich and retired and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with well groomed men feeding me coccoa and doughnuts.” 

With a puff of smoke, she too was gone. “Now, what is the last wish?” asked the lady.  

The charge nurse said, “I want those two back on the floor at the end of the lunch break.”

Quote Of The Day: Imran ibn Hussein reported: The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Modesty does not bring anything except goodness.”  Source: Sahih Muslim 37  Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Imam Muslim

George, Harriet And A Prostitute

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 55th wedding anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the MGM Hotel/Casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.

Harriet objected, “George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude.” 

“Harriet, she's a prostitute.”

“I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?”

“Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it.”

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for ‘Bambi’ to come to Room 217. 

“Now,” he said, “you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?”

Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swinging her hips provocatively.

George asked, “How much do you charge?” 

“$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services.”

Even George was taken aback. 

“$125? I was thinking more in the range of $25.”

Bambi laughed derisively. “You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price.”

“Well,” said George, “I guess we can't do business. Goodbye.”

After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, “I just can't believe it!”

George said, “Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner.”

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, “See what you get for $25 bucks?”

Quote Of The Day: Abdullah ibn Amr reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “The world is provision and the best provision in the world is a righteous woman.”  Source: Sahih Muslim 1467  Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Imam Muslim

The Missing Ladle

Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more curious.  

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates.”  

About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?” 

Ben said, “Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure.”

So he sat down and wrote: ‘Dear Mother, I'm not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.’  

Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read: ‘Dear Son, I'm not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Allison, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom.’

Quote Of The Day: Abu Ad-Darda reported: I said, “O Messenger of Allah, tell me about a deed that will enter me into Paradise.” The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Do not get angry and Paradise is yours.”  Source: Al-Mu’jam Al-Awsat At-Tabarani 2411  Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Al-Mundhiri

Confession

Once, there was a man who was so upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.

“Father, I am sinful.”

“Yes, son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you.”

“Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her.”

“That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake.”

“Father, last week I went to my grilfriend's office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too.”

“That's not very good of you.”

“Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too.”

“Father? Father?”

Suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him.

“Father? Where are you?”

He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.

“Father, why are you hiding here?”

“Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me.”

Quote Of The Day: Abdullah ibn Mas’ud reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Whoever recites a letter from the Book of Allah, he will receive one good deed as ten good deeds like it. I do not say that Alif-Lam-Meem is one letter, but rather Alif is a letter, Lam is a letter, and Meem is a letter.”  Source: Sunan At-Tirmidhi 2910  Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to At-Tirmidhi

50 Shades Of Grey

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Kevin's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

“Shit, Kevin how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go?”

“Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, ‘Guess who?’

I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said had been reading ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ and she had a devilish look in her eyes.

She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes.

She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, ‘Do whatever you want.’

So, here I am.”

Quote Of The Day: Abu Huraira reported: The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Whoever frees a Muslim slave, then Allah will free every limb of his body from the Hellfire, even his private parts.”  Source: Sahih Bukhari 6337  Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Al-Bukhari

What Does Egret Taste Like?

The local game warden in a small town in Oregon had arrested a man for killing and eating an Egret. The man went before a judge to plead his case. After pleading guilty, but with an explanation, the judge asked him why he did it. 

“I was just trying to feed my hungry family,” he told the judge, “and I’ve never done anything like that before.” 

The judge, being a family man himself, had a soft heart and agreed to let the man go free, since he was only trying to feed his starving family and it was his first and only offense. 

“Before you go, though, I want to ask you a question,” the judge quipped, “What does Egret taste like?” 

“Well your Honor,” the man told him, “Its not as tender as Spotted Owl but its better than Bald Eagle!”

Quote Of The Day: Abu Huraira reported: The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “A man set out to visit his brother in Islam from another town and Allah sent an angel to him. When the man met the angel, he was asked: Where are you going? The man said: I am visiting my brother in this town. The angel said: Are you returning a favor? He said: No, I have desire to visit him except that I love him for the sake of Allah the Exalted. The angel said: I am a messenger from Allah to tell you that Allah loves you as you love him.”  Source: Sahih Muslim 2567  Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Imam Muslim