Nurse Jokes

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital. 

“How are you, grandpa?” he asks. 

“Feeling fine,” says the old man.  

“What's the food like?”  

“Terrific, wonderful menus.”

“And the nursing?” 

“Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you.” 

“What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?”  

“No problem, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. And that's it. I go out like a light.”  

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. 

“What are you people doing,” he says, “I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?” 

“Oh, yes,” replies the Sister. “Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.”

*******

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.  

“She's incredibly mixed up,” said one doctor. “She does everything absolutely backwards.  Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!” 

The second doctor said, “That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours.  She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!”  

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. 

“Oh my God!” said the first doctor, “I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!”

*******

A nursing assistant, floor nurse, and charge nurse from a small nursing home were taking a lunch break in the break room. In walks a lady dressed in silk scarfs and wearing large polished stoned jewlery.  

“I am ‘Gina the Great’,” stated the lady. “I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of my aunt that I will now grant the next three wishes!” With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit and bottles of drink, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes before any of the nurses could think otherwise.  

The nurses quickly aurgued among themselves as to which one would ask for the first wish. Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first. “I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with single, well-built men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need.” 

With a puff of smoke, the nursing assistant was gone. The floor nurse went next. “I wish I were rich and retired and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with well groomed men feeding me coccoa and doughnuts.” 

With a puff of smoke, she too was gone. “Now, what is the last wish?” asked the lady.  

The charge nurse said, “I want those two back on the floor at the end of the lunch break.”

Quote Of The Day: Imran ibn Hussein reported: The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Modesty does not bring anything except goodness.”  Source: Sahih Muslim 37  Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Imam Muslim