The Tesco Doctor

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor.”  

“Listen mate, don't waste your time down at the surgery,” Mike replies, “There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid. A lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points.”  

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.  

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: ‘You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks’.  

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.  

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and ‘pleasured himself’ into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.  

He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin. The computer prints the following:  

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.  

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.  

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.  

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.  

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. 

Thank you for shopping at Tesco.

Quote Of The Day: Ibn Kathir reported: It is mentioned in the exegesis of Baqi Makhlad Al-Hafiz that Satan cried aloud four times: first when Allah cursed him, second when he was expelled from Paradise, third when the Prophet was born, peace and blessings be upon him, and fourth when the opening chapter (surah al-fatihah) was revealed.  [Al-Bidaya wa Nihaya 391]