Stupid Dad

Wife - Good One

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked
you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps
your radar gun needs calibrating. '

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear
-- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife
and growls,
 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your
radardetector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector
unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
 'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your
seat belt, sir.
That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it
off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back
pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your
seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver
turns to his wife and barks,   'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always
talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

              (I love this part)


'Only when he's been drinking.!!'

Square Testicle

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you
$25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous! about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that
there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'

Magic Penis

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... The Magic Penis!'

The husband said, 'The what'?


The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo0.

The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!' The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Magic Penis, door!'


The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle.

Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box..


The husband bought it and took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said, 'Magic Penis, my crotch.'

The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.


On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'


The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right.... Magic Penis, my ass....!'

The rest, as they say, is history.

Prostitute Parrots (+18 Joke)

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?"'

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots. I have taught them to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will also learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots. Immediately, the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, Jack. Our prayers have been answered!" 

School Teachers Marriage

2 Old Gals

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted. 

Math

Little Leroy was at home doing his Math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine."

In that moment, his mother comes in and hears what he is saying. "Leroy, what are you doing?! Why are you saying that?!"

Little Leroy answered, "I'm doing my Math homework, Mom."

She said, "And is that what your teacher taught you?"

He replied, "Yes."

The next day, the mother, worried about the education her son is receiving, goes to Little Leroy's school to talk to the teacher. The mother said to his Math teacher, "I would like to know what you are teaching my son in Math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition problems."

Little Leroy's mother asked, "And... are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

When the teacher stopped laughing she replied, "Not at all! What I taught them was two plus two THE SUM OF WHICH IS four."

Sex Change Joke

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice that the girl knows just as much about the game as they do, and they're really impressed.


After the game they ask her "how is it that you know so much about baseball?"

She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change."

The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. 


"What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut off your penis?"

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

"Was it when they cut off your balls?" 

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."
"What was the most painful part?" 

"The part that hurt the most was when they... cut my salary in half!" 

Little Susie

A teacher was reviewing her class's homework assignment. She asked Susie to stand up and tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated.

Susie stood up, shuffled her feet and said, "Well, I think I know, but I'm too embarrassed to tell you."

The teacher said, "Sit down, Susie. Johnny, tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its size when stimulated."

Johnny said, "That's easy. The pupil of the eye enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated by light."

The teacher said, "That's right, Johnny."

Then she turned to Susie and said, "Susie, first of all, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, when you get married, you're in for a big disappointment."

Big Decision

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the  fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'            


The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology  now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did -better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.


The man perks up at this. 


'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many  inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your  wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out.  But if you had a nine  inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this  time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision. 


The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next  day.


'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?' 


'I have,' says the man.  


'And what is  the decision? 'asks the doctor.


'We're getting granite countertops.'   
            

What I Want In A Man Age 21

What  I Want In A Man Age 21
Original  List:
1. Handsome
2. Charming 
3. Financially successful
4. A caring  listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things

9. Full of thoughtful surprises

What  I Want in a Man, Revised List (age  32) 
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds  chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice  dinner 
4. Listens more than  talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a  good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers  birthdays and anniversaries

What  I Want in a Man, Revised List (age  42)  
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't  drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out  occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers  punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the  furniture 
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not  to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down 

10. Shaves most  weekends

 

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age  52) 
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears  trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or  scratch in public
3. Doesn't  borrow money too often
4. Doesn't  nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many  times
6. Is in good enough shape  to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh  underwear
8. Appreciates a good  TV dinner
9. Remembers your name  on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
  
What  I Want in a Man, Revised List (age  62) 
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly  when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough  shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend 

What  I Want in a Man, Revised List (age  72)
1. Breathing.
2. Doesn't miss the toilet. 

Fear Of Someone Under My Bed

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed so I went to see a shrink and told him:

 

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy..'

 

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

 

'How much do you charge?'

 

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

 

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

 

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

 

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

 

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

 

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'

The BEST Laugh I've Had In A While

John asks his grandpa: 'Do you still have sex with Granny?'
Grandpa says: 'Yes, but only Oral'.
John says: 'what is oral?'
Grandpa: 'I say F**k you, and she says: F**k you too'
___________________________________________________

The 3 tragedies in a man's life:
1- life sucks
2- job sucks
3- Wife does NOT!

_____________________________________________________________________

A man is dying of cancer.
His son: 'Dad why you keep telling people you're dying of AIDS??'..
Answer: 'so that when I die, no one will dare to f**k your mother.'

_____________________________________________________________________

'I am your Doctor. Sorry to inform you that you have a brain problem.
Your brain is in 2 parts... Left and right.
The left part has nothing right in it, and the right has nothing left in it'
_____________________________________________________________________

YESTERDAY NEWS: A nun jogging in the park was raped.
TODAY'S NEWS: Hundreds of nuns are jogging in the park!

_____________________________________________________________________

Question: 'Why is a waist called a waist?'
Answer: 'Because anything above the p**sy and below the tits is a waste'

_____________________________________________________________________

A lady tells her Man: 'I demand good manners in bed, just like at the
dinner table'.
The man climbs into bed slowly and says:
'Honey, would you please pass me the vagina?'

_____________________________________________________________________

Question: 'what's common between a good-looking, faithful, rich husband who satisfies his wife sexually every night and Bin Laden?' Harre Singh D'Thakur'
'BOTH CANNOT BE FOUND'

Jokes 6

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.  The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.  The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."  As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.

The boy said "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager.  "My wife is from New Zealand!"

"Really?" replied the boy.  "Who'd she play for?"

Jokes 5

It is my observation that too many of us are spending money we haven't earned, to buy things we don't need, to impress people we don't like.
===============================
Frustrated at always being corrected by my hubby, I decided the next time it happened I would have a comeback.  That moment finally arrived, and I was ready.

“You know,” I challenged, “even a broken clock is right once a day.”

He looked at me and replied, “Twice.”
==================================
Love is a fire.  But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.
==================================
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, were all excited about their decision to get married.  They went for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they passed a drugstore.  Jacob suggested they go in.

Jacob addressed the man behind the counter, "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist said, "Yes."

Jacob asked, "We're about to get married.  Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist replied, "Of course we do."

Jacob asked, "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist replied, "All kinds."

Jacob asked,  "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist replied, "Definitely."

Jacob asked, "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist replied, "Of course."

Jacob asked, "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist replied, "Yes, a large variety.  The works."

Jacob asked, "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist replied, "Absolutely."

Jacob asked, "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist replied, "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob said, "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

Jokes 4

Many people hear voices when no-one is there.  Some of them are called mad and are shut up in rooms where they stare at the walls all day. Others are called writers and they do pretty much the same thing. -Meg Chittenden
==================================
On my 15th birthday, I opened a package from my mom and sister.  Out came a beauty case containing samples of my very own makeup.

"Oh, neat," my dad said excitedly, "a tackle box!"

My mother and sister explained that it was a beauty kit, not a tackle box.
As I opened it up and showed everyone the eye shadow, mascara, and rouge, my father leaned over to my mother and whispered, "I told you it was a tackle box.  Just look at all those lures.
===================================
If only the good die young then what does that say about senior citizens?
===================================
The Birthday Gift

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.  He wanted a new truck.

She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said.  "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less.  And my birthday is coming up.  You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services are pending.

Grandma's Birth Control Pills